Yes I’ve been cheated on. Multiple times. It’s what has damaged me. It still puts doubts in my mind. It fucking haunts me that it could happen again. But, I try not to let it defeat me. I try to keep it from letting me attempt a relationship.
People say its not fair to judge someone based on what someone else did. I agree 100%. I don’t think it’s fair to do that.
People say you have to learn to trust again. I agree with that 100% as well.
However it’s not something everyone can do alone. I can compare it to many scenarios. I personally think for some people, you have to learn it first hand. You can also call it “someone having to prove it.”
But let’s put some scenarios out there.
1. Learn to ride a bike.
You physically have to hop on the bike and learn how to ride. There is no such thing as mentally learning how to ride a bike. But you have to be on a bike to learn to ride it. You are afraid the very first time you hop on it that you will fall down. And you will fall. But after a while you trust yourself and that bike that you won’t.
Let’s use a QB in football. When drafted out of college, no coach trusts that qb completely. A coach learns to trust after seeing the qb in action in practice and then during games as well. The coach will eventually trust that qb to make the right decisions. Again, you have to physically see it happen to trust.
3. The military/a job
Anyone in the military or job that is looking to be promoted to an authority or position that deals with money, you have to be trusted by your superior. They have to see you in action/doing on the job work.
4. An educational course.
Let’s use math as an example. You probably learned algebra in high school. But you go so long without using it, that you have to go back and take a course or crack a book. Maybe doing a couple of problems reminds you how to do it. So physically writing them out after you read how to do it is going to help you relearn. But you have to write out the problem to do it.
Those are just a few. I could go on and on but I won’t. To say that it’s any different than learning to trust again is bullshit. Regardless if you forgot how to trust, you forgot how to do algebra, you haven’t learned to ride a bike, or you haven’t gotten that promotion. You still have to physically do it/see it in person for those to happen.
The past has something to do with why you can’t trust. But the past has nothing to do with learning how to trust again.
In all of those scenarios above, it required something aside from yourself. It took a parent to get you on the bike. It took a coach to teach you the game. It took a supervisor to teach you. It took a book/teacher to teach you algebra.
So why is it frowned upon that you can’t go into a relationship broken and not trusting 100%? Hell, it doesn’t have to be a relationship. It can just be dating. Someone who asks for reassurance is saying in so many words, “I want to trust again. I just need a bit of your help.”
For me, that’s what I need. It’s just a small thing I ask. It doesn’t take much but a few words.
Yes, words and actions speak different. But hearing those words are a fantastic start. Those words don’t mean that cheating won’t happen. But it gives hope that not everyone will break that promise.
It’s just a little something that goes a long way.
Because one person has been cheated doesn’t mean that someone else who has been cheated will heal the same or trust the same. Especially when one of those people have been cheated on 3 times. You tend to be more damaged and trust is harder.
That’s all I really wanted to say.