The Slow Pace

I was recently introduced to someone by a friend of a friend. And it probably couldn’t have come at a better time.

After the last fail, it made me wonder if I wanted to even put myself out there. Not that I was in love with last person. It was just the fact that I let go of being scared of being hurt. I let myself be vulnerable feelings-wise, to an extent

Being vulnerable stung a bit after she said she was done. It was on my mind for a few days. Do I really want to be vulnerable again. And the answer is yes. She didn’t break my heart. She just didn’t want me. She didn’t want a relationship.

I thought about it and it really is her loss. She won’t know what she lost. She may not even care. At least right now. Back to my point. I deserved better than what she was willing to give me. I deserved someone better. The way I look at it, I’m ready for something real. I’m ready for someone to take a piece of my heart. I’m wanting to be in someone’s heart as well. Have I found it in this new person? Too soon to tell. I have yet to take her out. Work has been busy, and I’m in the middle of a home show. But I’m being patient.

Next week is my birthday. I hit 36. She is 25. The age difference, it scares me a bit. It is only a number. I think once I meet her, I’ll be able to tell.

She has been through hell and back. But she isn’t afraid to put herself out there. She has an amazing voice and loves to sing. I’ve listened to her cover songs. We text a lot. I try my best to keep her mind off of what she is going through. But for her age, she is pretty strong. Next weekend I’m taking her to dinner. I’m really looking forward to it and she is as well.

The pace of this, is probably suited best for me and her. It’s slower than what I’m used to. I’m perfectly ok with that. The best thing so far is, she likes me, she is ready for a relationship and knows what she wants in someone. So far I fit the bill.

Nice and slow, it should work this time.

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The List

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Remember way back when you were a little kid and couldn’t wait to open your gifts on Christmas? I’m sure some of us, even as adults have a hard time waiting. But remember how much you would beg your parents to open just one of your gifts. You wanted whatever was wrapped up so bad. Maybe because you took a peek and knew what you were getting or maybe you hoped whatever was on that list was there.

Well, that’s how I feel about someone right now. Her name is Becky. I’m in no way saying she is someone’s object by this comparison I’m making. But I know who she is. I know what she has to offer. I know what I want in a woman and she has it. She is that ultimate list for me, like everyone has when they are looking for a relationship with someone.

So what’s the deal? I can’t have her. At least not right now and who knows about the future. I’m going in hoping for the best. I can see something special with her. I don’t know what her feeling is about it, aside from right now she isn’t ready. But I do wonder if in the back of her mind if she thinks about a possible future with me.

One of the things that worries me is, what if she thinks it would end up being the same as her previous relationship. What if she is so used to seeing what she spent many years seeing, if all guys are like that. Is she more afraid of a relationship or is she truly not ready? Or both? There’s a saying that goes something like this, “if you spent so many years loving the wrong person, just imagine loving the right person.”

I know, with what she has been through, how she was treated, that I could be the right person. I’ve learned from mistakes in previous relationships. It took a few of them. And it helped me figure out what I want in a relationship. It taught me, that not every woman is the same. I can look to the future with her and see the positives. I can see why it would work. I can see why it would last forever. I want it to last forever, with her.

If she decides she doesn’t want t a relationship with me, it will crush me. But I’ve been crushed before and here I am. I guess I believe in myself and my abilities to show her how it would be different.

Maybe, just maybe after her plate isn’t as full as it is right now, she will see it.

My trust issues.

Yes I’ve been cheated on. Multiple times. It’s what has damaged me. It still puts doubts in my mind. It fucking haunts me that it could happen again. But, I try not to let it defeat me. I try to keep it from letting me attempt a relationship.

People say its not fair to judge someone based on what someone else did. I agree 100%. I don’t think it’s fair to do that.

People say you have to learn to trust again. I agree with that 100% as well.

However it’s not something everyone can do alone. I can compare it to many scenarios. I personally think for some people, you have to learn it first hand. You can also call it “someone having to prove it.”

But let’s put some scenarios out there.

1. Learn to ride a bike.
You physically have to hop on the bike and learn how to ride. There is no such thing as mentally learning how to ride a bike. But you have to be on a bike to learn to ride it. You are afraid the very first time you hop on it that you will fall down. And you will fall. But after a while you trust yourself and that bike that you won’t.

2. Sports
Let’s use a QB in football. When drafted out of college, no coach trusts that qb completely. A coach learns to trust after seeing the qb in action in practice and then during games as well. The coach will eventually trust that qb to make the right decisions. Again, you have to physically see it happen to trust.

3. The military/a job
Anyone in the military or job that is looking to be promoted to an authority or position that deals with money, you have to be trusted by your superior. They have to see you in action/doing on the job work.

4. An educational course.
Let’s use math as an example. You probably learned algebra in high school. But you go so long without using it, that you have to go back and take a course or crack a book. Maybe doing a couple of problems reminds you how to do it. So physically writing them out after you read how to do it is going to help you relearn. But you have to write out the problem to do it.

Those are just a few. I could go on and on but I won’t. To say that it’s any different than learning to trust again is bullshit. Regardless if you forgot how to trust, you forgot how to do algebra, you haven’t learned to ride a bike, or you haven’t gotten that promotion. You still have to physically do it/see it in person for those to happen.

The past has something to do with why you can’t trust. But the past has nothing to do with learning how to trust again.

In all of those scenarios above, it required something aside from yourself. It took a parent to get you on the bike. It took a coach to teach you the game. It took a supervisor to teach you. It took a book/teacher to teach you algebra.

So why is it frowned upon that you can’t go into a relationship broken and not trusting 100%? Hell, it doesn’t have to be a relationship. It can just be dating. Someone who asks for reassurance is saying in so many words, “I want to trust again. I just need a bit of your help.”

For me, that’s what I need. It’s just a small thing I ask. It doesn’t take much but a few words.

Yes, words and actions speak different. But hearing those words are a fantastic start. Those words don’t mean that cheating won’t happen. But it gives hope that not everyone will break that promise.

It’s just a little something that goes a long way.

Because one person has been cheated doesn’t mean that someone else who has been cheated will heal the same or trust the same. Especially when one of those people have been cheated on 3 times. You tend to be more damaged and trust is harder.

That’s all I really wanted to say.