The lesson learned….

….is that you will be let down in your life. Certain people and events will happen and punch you right in the gut. Don’t think that you won’t let yourself down either. Its become even more evident in the past couple of days.

What I thought was a going to be one of the best moments in my life, slipped away. I’ve taken everything that could have been thrown at me. Everything I worked for, went down the toilet. The one and only thing I wanted is not going to be mine.

Its really hard to type this as the tears roll down my face. But you will soon understand why. You will understand why I hurt so much right now.

Let’s face it, at one point in your life you have had to make a change about yourself or learn something you were doing wasn’t the right way to do it. I have one period of time in my life that I wish never would have happened. Obviously I can’t go back in time. But when Chrissy left me, I was devastated. My whole world was crashing down because of my depression. And the things I did to scare her away are not being excused because of the depression.

Most of you don’t know, me and her have been talking the past few months. Its been a lot better. I knew I had changed and she said she believed I had. We were moving towards this point of her moving back so we could be happy. And then, everything crumbled.

While visiting family she discovered some things about her family that made her think of what happened when me and her were together. The next thing you know, she was telling me she wasn’t coming back. But she said she believed in me, she believed I had changed. However, if that was true, she wouldn’t still be scared of me. Or at least those memories wouldn’t be scaring her off.

I don’t know that I ever believed she would come back. Just with my experience in life, I figured something was bound to go wrong. And when it did, I took the biggest punch in my gut. My confidence, shattered. My mind, lost. My heart, ripped to shreds. Everything I had changed about myself, wasn’t for nothing. I still have changed and I am a better person because of it. But one of the reasons I needed to change, is because I wanted her back. She is the love of my life. I declined relationships with other women because I wanted her. I let so many opportunities walk right by because of my love for her. In the end, I screwed myself.

What is the whole point of this blog? Well, don’t wait on someone. Its not worth it. They will hurt you right back. Our life on this planet is too short and I think way too many people don’t see that. Waiting for anything or anyone, we don’t have that time. If someone wants to be with you, they are or they aren’t. Its as simple as that. So I guess you could say this, especially in my shoes, if it didn’t work the first time and you were hurt because of it, it probably won’t work the second time or trying to get to that point. Its not worth it to hurt twice for the same person. Move on, its over, they don’t or won’t want you or love you or see the dedication you put towards fixing things. Because in the end, you can do everything and if it doesn’t work, being congratulated for trying means nothing. It doesn’t take the hurt away. So please, for your own good, live your life.

Yes, at this moment I still have those feeling for her. However, they will soon be forgotten. She is already a person in my past, and if she wants something, she can approach me. I put my time in and the door was slammed in my face. Never again will I let that happen to me.

Advertisements

9 comments

  1. happilydpressed · October 18, 2014

    I’m so sorry ):

    • Brandon · October 18, 2014

      Me too…thank you though.

  2. happilydpressed · October 19, 2014

    I want home when I read this… Didn’t even know what to say to you but I’m sorry. I hope you’re doing okay….here to talk xxx

  3. happilydpressed · October 19, 2014

    Wasnt**

    • Brandon · October 19, 2014

      It hurts, no way to cover that up. I just feel like I held myself back and lost so much because of her decisions. I lost her obviously, but I lost the chance at a couple of other relationships with people who wanted one with me. As much as I hate that she changed her mind, I really can’t say its her fault. I’m the one that did those things and she hasn’t been able to forget them. We just basically extended the hurting process even longer. If I had never answered the phone the day she called, this wouldn’t be an issue and I would still be hurting. I’ve hit my emotional limit. I have been to the emergency room because I took too many klonopin. I didn’t do it to hurt myself, but I was sad, anxious and stressed. I’ve cut off talking to her on the phone. We just text, but I feel I need to end that also. Otherwise I will just get my hopes up. And I hate false hope. God I’m just rambling. If I knew the one thing I could say or do to get her to trust that I am not going to let those things happen again, I would say or do it. I just want what we all really want, happiness.

      • happilydpressed · October 19, 2014

        False hope os the worst kind. I suppose its better than no hope, but ot hurts the most. Im bot very good at this, but its my advice…do for you. Dont let yoursel spiral again. Youve come so far without her and you can do it again. Im sure youll always live her. And one say maybe hou giys will have a chance. But her reaction to you was selfish, and ahe dodnt give you chance. Youve tried for her. Now you have to try for you.

      • Brandon · October 19, 2014

        That’s a good point. It does sound selfish, but at times I guess we have to or deserve to be. You’re right, I will always love her. I just keep getting older, not that 34 is old, and I don’t have my significant other that’s meant for me. Something I want so badly. So that’s where trying for me fits in I suppose. Getting what I deserve.

      • happilydpressed · October 19, 2014

        Everyone deserves to be happy…i hope you can find yours.

      • Brandon · October 19, 2014

        Thanks for chatting BTW. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s