Loved you yesterday

This speaks of me so much right now, I had to share. Thanks Destiny.


You had me waiting….

…like a fool. To think you would actually come back was one of the dumbest things I could have done. I guess I really need to listen to my own advice.

Its been almost 2 days since we have said a word to each other. And while I do have my moments where I miss, which is normal, I have my moments where you don’t even cross my mind. You set fire to the anger inside me because of your decision. The only difference now is that I know how to control my anger.

You once said you were afraid I was doing all this just to hurt you. Turns out, you were the one who did the hurting. And yes I could easily go back on my word of not hurting you, but I won’t. I’m not that type of person. You belong in the same category as the rest of my ex-girlfriends. Nothing but a memory that will fade away. I don’t need to tell you why we won’t be friends or why we can’t talk, but I will remind you. There is no point in conversing anymore. You lost that privilege when you decided not to come back.

Now you can find someone else to call when you need to talk or let out some steam. I will not be there for you. I do not need you to be here for me. You weren’t hear when I needed you the most anyway. You walked out and made one of the dumbest decisions you have ever made. The one thing I do know is one day you will see that it was the biggest mistake you’ve ever made. You will wonder why the person who cares the most about you won’t even talk to you. I think that’s when it will hit you, the best thing you had, you let go of. Now I am on my journey to be the best thing for someone else. Someone who appreciates me. Someone who loves me and actually means it when they say it. And I’m not talking about them loving me as a friend. More than that! Someone who loves me and wants to get married.

The lesson learned….

….is that you will be let down in your life. Certain people and events will happen and punch you right in the gut. Don’t think that you won’t let yourself down either. Its become even more evident in the past couple of days.

What I thought was a going to be one of the best moments in my life, slipped away. I’ve taken everything that could have been thrown at me. Everything I worked for, went down the toilet. The one and only thing I wanted is not going to be mine.

Its really hard to type this as the tears roll down my face. But you will soon understand why. You will understand why I hurt so much right now.

Let’s face it, at one point in your life you have had to make a change about yourself or learn something you were doing wasn’t the right way to do it. I have one period of time in my life that I wish never would have happened. Obviously I can’t go back in time. But when Chrissy left me, I was devastated. My whole world was crashing down because of my depression. And the things I did to scare her away are not being excused because of the depression.

Most of you don’t know, me and her have been talking the past few months. Its been a lot better. I knew I had changed and she said she believed I had. We were moving towards this point of her moving back so we could be happy. And then, everything crumbled.

While visiting family she discovered some things about her family that made her think of what happened when me and her were together. The next thing you know, she was telling me she wasn’t coming back. But she said she believed in me, she believed I had changed. However, if that was true, she wouldn’t still be scared of me. Or at least those memories wouldn’t be scaring her off.

I don’t know that I ever believed she would come back. Just with my experience in life, I figured something was bound to go wrong. And when it did, I took the biggest punch in my gut. My confidence, shattered. My mind, lost. My heart, ripped to shreds. Everything I had changed about myself, wasn’t for nothing. I still have changed and I am a better person because of it. But one of the reasons I needed to change, is because I wanted her back. She is the love of my life. I declined relationships with other women because I wanted her. I let so many opportunities walk right by because of my love for her. In the end, I screwed myself.

What is the whole point of this blog? Well, don’t wait on someone. Its not worth it. They will hurt you right back. Our life on this planet is too short and I think way too many people don’t see that. Waiting for anything or anyone, we don’t have that time. If someone wants to be with you, they are or they aren’t. Its as simple as that. So I guess you could say this, especially in my shoes, if it didn’t work the first time and you were hurt because of it, it probably won’t work the second time or trying to get to that point. Its not worth it to hurt twice for the same person. Move on, its over, they don’t or won’t want you or love you or see the dedication you put towards fixing things. Because in the end, you can do everything and if it doesn’t work, being congratulated for trying means nothing. It doesn’t take the hurt away. So please, for your own good, live your life.

Yes, at this moment I still have those feeling for her. However, they will soon be forgotten. She is already a person in my past, and if she wants something, she can approach me. I put my time in and the door was slammed in my face. Never again will I let that happen to me.

The biggest mistakes…

..all seemed to reside in me. Or at least they used to. This a pic of my mistakes. A mistake I will never make again. She suffered from my mistakes. Remember, love does not conquer all.


Mistake #1: People don’t understand how love works.

This first mistake is the biggest of all. If you fix this, I guarantee your love life will completely transform. If you don’t understand what’s happening in your relationships, how can you expect them to go well? 

People spend way too much time and energy confused about love. They cycle through the same patterns over and over again, not having a clue as to what’s going on. And we all know there are few things worse than spinning in perpetual confusion and doubt about love. 

Guess what? You don’t have to live there anymore! There are many people out there who have been through what you’re going through (myself included). One of the cornerstones of love is that we are one; we’re truly in this together. To me this means that we suffer very similar losses and we experience very similar joys. When it comes to love and relationships, we really aren’t as different as it seems. 

Learning from people who can relate to what you’re going through is one of the secrets to knowing yourself on a deeper level. Find these people and let them show you the way.

Speaking from my personal experience, I’ve had many guides and teachers in love. Without them, there’s no way I would have the found the clarity and joy in relationships that I experience today. 

Knowledge is power. Do your heart a favor and get to know how it works. Your love life will thank you for it.

Mistake #2: People don’t know that love lives in them. 

Once you start to gain clarity about how love works, you’ll realize that love exists within you. 

Many of us don’t realize this. We insist on believing that love lives outside of us, either in people, places, or things. We think to ourselves, “Once I have that, then I’ll feel love.” We’ve got it all backwards.

Here’s the deal: love is not out there. It’s not somewhere else. It’s in you. When you discover this, you’ll have found the greatest truth and perhaps the greatest secret about love. 

Contacting the source of love within you will completely change your experience in relationships. Because you’ll understand that love is an inside-out process, not the other way around. It all starts with you. 

If you sit back and wait for love to show up on your doorstep, then you’re going to be waiting around for love for a long, long time. But if you’re committed to finding love within yourself first, then you’ll see that love can be anywhere you are. Knowing this is a complete game changer. 

Commit yourself to loving from the inside out, and watch the love you feel in relationships completely transform. 

Mistake #3: People don’t know that giving love away makes it grow.

We collectively believe that whatever we give away, we lose. We tend to project this mentality on everything, including love. But love isn’t ruled by the laws of finite resources. 

Whatever love you genuinely give away (without the motive of getting it back), you’ll automatically receive in return. This is a hard concept for us to grasp. Unfortunately, many of us live with the fear that if we freely love, we are set up to lose either ourselves or the other person.

This is a lie! 

The truth is that anytime you close your heart off to love, you lose love. Anytime you protect yourself from love, you lose love. Anytime you withhold love, you lose love. Many of us self-sabotage our experience in love because of this false belief!

So here’s a catch with this mistake: If you don’t understand love first (mistake #1) and if you don’t contact the source of love within you (mistake #2) then you’re almost guaranteed to make this final mistake in relationships. Without knowing on a very deep level that you can never actually lose love, it’s likely that you’ll limit the amount of love you give away. Because limiting is what we do when we’re scared; it’s our way of controlling our environments. This mentality has to be shattered. 

Learn the real truth: the more love you give away, the more you will receive in your life and your relationships. Please don’t hide your love away.

So there you have it: three mistakes people make in love! Now that you understand these truths, I hope that you will do what it takes to change your experience in love. Because when you change, your love life has no other choice but to change too. 

If we can all make an effort to understand love, find love within ourselves, and give love away, not only can we change the course of our own lives, but we can change the world as we know it. Let’s all do our part to make our own existence, and the state of the world, a more loving place.

Brain power

So tonight watched the movie Lucy with Scarlett Johansson. I was kind of expecting the movie to be like Elektra or Ultraviolet. More of an action type movie like those. Not to say there wasn’t any action, but I think you catch my drift.

Well anyway it was about our brain and how much of it or how little of it we actually use. Well there have been many myths saying we only use use 10% and that we actually use 100%. While that may be true that we use 100% does that necessarily mean we know how to use all 100%? I would guess the answer is no. You can easily sit there and “If we are using 100%, yes.” I beg to differ.

You can compare it to working, like lifting weights. Let’s say your at the gym lifting weights all day. BTW, you will never catch me at a gym. But let’s say you used 100% of your body during that workout. That does not mean we worked out 100% of our body.

After watching Lucy, I began to think. What if we used our brain to the fullest potential possible? How would the world be different? I would wonder here in the U.S. if the top 1% would still have 40% of the wealth in the country. I would also wonder what kind of world this would be with the dangers of WMD’s being out.

One of the lines in the movie kind of stated the same question. Basically stating that if we we all knew how to use 100% that the “evil” wouldn’t exist. The reason was because evil comes from a lack of intelligence rather than an overindulgence of it. It quite honestly makes sense.

If you look at the Enron scandal. Those guys were thought to be really smart. But the wrongdoings came from a lack of intelligence. Yes you can say “well that’s obvious.” But I could also say “if they were smart t begin with, the scandal never would have happened.”

Basically you can take any scenario that had a negative/evil outcome and say that. Because ultimately what they thought they were doing because they were so smart, turned out to be a lack of intelligence. I think if you watch the movie you might understand what I’m trying to say if you already know. And some of you might say that its common sense. And while that may be true, when you are so smart sometimes in your own mind, it can blind common sense. Just my take on what the movie made me think about. Give it a try, it was pretty decent.

My life is a lemon….

And I want my money back!

Yes that’s right, it is a Meatloaf song. But it seems to me that it describes my life perfectly. Nothing seems to ever go right for me. Especially over the last year.

Up until the last year, if I got into a pickle, I could easily get myself out of it. But recently it has been one step forward, 2 or 3 steps back. I feel like I’ve reached the peak of my success and am taking the trip back down to the bottom of the hill. Its truly heartbreaking for me. The things I want and still want. I think this goes all the way back to last summer.

Last summer after moving back from Humboldt County, I had it all. I had a house, a girlfriend, mans best friend, and was once again close to my daughter. We had a nice Lexus SUV. We had it all. It was everything that I had worked so hard to achieve. Its something that I dreamed of. I finally was living up to my potential.

All I ever wanted was that. I used to dream of having my own front and back yard to mow on the weekends. A home where friends and family could come over and hang out with us. Finally no more overpriced apartments. No sharing laundry rooms. Nobody upstairs, downstairs, to the left or to the right. And it was in a really nice neighborhood.

We each had our own bathroom. I was happy to give her the master bathroom all to herself. You know, the one with the nice oversized tub. I simply loved our home. It was what we had made of it and it was perfect for both of us. But obviously things changed and you all know the story. Remember, the cheater.

It hit me hard and it seemed like I lost everything. I pretty much had and I knew it was going to take a bit to get myself built back up.

I got my apartment and had a new girlfriend. I was looking toward the top of the hill again. Ready to take the steps and climb.

After that my life started in this downward spiral of depression as you all know. And after the girlfriend left, eventually the thoughts of suicide started to set in. I won’t revisit that either. Once I overcame my depression and suicide, things started looking a whole lot better. I thought to myself that I had finally hit rock bottom and it could go nowhere but uphill.

I didn’t realize how wrong I was. Everything since then has been once step forward, two steps back. And it seems like the fight I had in me was done. My body and mind are exhausted. I’ve all but given up. I look at it this way. It took me 15 years to reach that peak that I was at. I don’t know if I can do it. Well, let me restate that. I don’t know if I’m ready or want to do that. I think its just that I’m afraid of one thing, disappointing myself and others. What if it fails again? How crushed would I be and what would I do?

Many people might say my depression is back. I can assure you it isn’t. I just want at least one step forward without taking any steps back. And there is one thing I have been waiting on for a few months. I think if that’s a success, it will make me feel a whole lot better and be much more positive. That fight I used to have will be back. It all hinges on the one goal everyone knows I have been working towards. If that doesn’t happen ” And we’re always slipping through the cracks, then the movie’s over, fade to black, life is a lemon and I want my money back!”

So please, hurry up and come home. I miss you and love you dearly.