This must be the end…

I say she isn’t coming back, she says not to put words in her mouth. Yet she has not said that she is coming back. If she doesn’t, I will more than likely have hit rock bottom again.

You see what a lot of you don’t know is that me and her have been talking for months. We say I love you to each other and tell each other about our days and how much we miss each other. Yet she is going to let me just walk away. But if I say that, I’m putting words in her mouth. Will she finally tell me this time what’s going to happen? Or is she hiding it from me to surprise me by not saying it? Or is she not telling me she isn’t coming back because she is protecting me? I have told her not to do that so I hope she isn’t.

She is still scared of me to some capacity. She is afraid of what I will say if we have an argument. She believes I will say mean and nasty things to her. But I won’t. Especially not if she is here. If she was here, I wouldn’t forget that I lost her once and don’t want to lose her again. Her being far away is what’s making this difficult to control. A few months ago we had talks of marriage. Now that seems to be crumbling away with her. The amount of loneliness I have right now and have had for I don’t know how long, is ridiculous. This is what has me leaning towards Indiana if she doesn’t come back. I know anywhere I go, there would be someone who would love to be with who I have become. I have a full supporting cast of friends back home in Indiana. If she doesn’t want to be with me, there is no point in me being here. Everything I have fought so hard for these past few months is going right down the toilet. Yes, I grew! But I was fighting to get her back. And as I sit right now, I failed at that.

Not many people understand how much it hurts because most people have not and will not go through what I have these past few months. Most people do not fight for the person they love. I have put every ounce of energy and every single breathe into getting her back. She makes me happy, and I have failed to get her back. The only question I have left is, “Are you coming back to me?”


The Unhappy Salesman

Most of you know I’ve been in the wireless industry for the past few years. I’ve become quite bored with it. Yes, the pay is great, but should that be the only reason one stays with that job. I guess I’m tired of the daily “let’s look at your numbers” game. MY NUMBERS ARE GREAT! I really can sell anything to anyone and I can do that without them second guessing. Yes, I guess you could say as soon as you walk in the door, that I am a shark that’s circling you. You think you’re coming in for a $100 phone and that is probably true. When I see you come in the door, my mind starts turning. It reminds me what I need to sell. But little do you know, I’m going to get you to buy more than just a phone. I’m going to ask you what you use your phone for. Your response is going to open a numerous amount of things I am going to try and more than likely successfully sell you on. I can right off the bat tell you that it is very rare someone does not have music on their phone. As soon as they say I use my phone for music, I’m thinking they need a Bluetooth speaker. Not some $20 piece of junk, but something nice. With what I have on hand, I’m already adding up what you are going to spend. I’m more than likely gonna ballpark it. That $100 you were going to spend has just turned into $200 at least. I’m going to show you the most expensive thing I have. If you don’t buy that, I’m showing you the second most expensive and so on until you buy one. So great, we got you a phone and a speaker to listen to your jams wherever you go. I’m not done yet. Next we are going to get you the obvious case and screen protector because I’m going to scare you with prices of having to replace your phone if you don’t buy either of those. So now now that has added a very conservative $50 on top of the $200 you are spending. So now that we have been conversing for a while, you feel comfortable with talking to me. You have started to trust me. I’m your new best friend and I’m looking out for your best interest. Or am I?

My next step will be to sit you down in front of the displays while I begin your upgrade. The next thing I’m going to do is ask you more personal questions. I’m going to find a way to relate to you. If you tell me that you were angry at your dog this morning for eating one of your socks, guess what? I’m going to tell you the same thing happened to me last week with my dog. Lucky for me, you don’t know that I don’t have a dog.

So now that we can relate a little more, I’m going to ask how traffic was. That way you can complain about it and I’m going to agree with you so you feel better. That will lead me to my next false story of my friend who got pulled over for talking on his cell phone and not using a hands free device. I know what a cell phone ticket cost in California and I’m going to add another $100 on top of it. I’m going to tell you how much it goes up the second and third time and that after the third time you will lose your license. I’ve got you thinking about it. Now I’m going to ask you what hands free device you have. If you don’t have one, I’m going to tell you that we should definitely pick one out for you. After all, I care about you and don’t want you getting a ticket or your license taken away. I’m also going to throw in there how many people die each year from using their devices while driving. I honestly don’t want that happening to anyone. But my point is, I’m going to scare you into buying one. So I’m going to show you the most expensive one I have and overwhelm you with all the things it can do. As we move down to the less expensive ones, I’m going to talk bad about them and how it wouldn’t work for you. You’re not going to ask me why it wouldn’t. Why? Because you trust me.

If by chance you do have one, I’m going to tell you that the Bluetooth function in the newer phones has been updated and you should update your so that it works the way you want it to. Fact of the matter is, I can consider an update to be something as simple as the way you turn the function on or off. Which is technically true. But the thing you’re thinking about is when I said “so that it works the way you want it to.” More than likely you are assuming I’m saying your current Bluetooth device won’t work with it. By doing that, you are helping me sell it to you. Now that I have you convinced, and because you trust me, let’s add another conservative $75 to your total. You are now at $325.

At this point I’m going to turn your attention to our home services. I’m going to ask you about internet, TV and home security. First thing I’m going to ask about is your internet. More than likely its through your coax. I’m going to remind you of how slow your home internet gets at 5pm because everyone else is off work and getting online at home. The I’m going awe you with all these words and numbers about internet through fiber that you don’t even understand and how you don’t have to worry about that 5pm bog down. You’ll agree to switch.

So you’re switching internet providers, let’s talk about TV. You have Comcast? I’m going to remind you of their horrible customer service and how pricey they are. If you have DirecTV, I’m going to tell you that you aren’t truly getting the high definition you pay for. Now, your rebuttal will be that you are comfortable and know how to work the remote, the DVR and the guide. Or because you have DirecTV you will say that you like being able to watch all the football games. I’ve got a response for all of those. So you’re comfortable with how it works? Hey when the technician gets there and installs it, he will show you how to work everything and its really easy to begin with. With a smile on my face, I’m going to tell you “We don’t want you going without football either, I’ve got you covered even better because we don’t charge extra for you to watch football games.” Even though I never said we have the Sunday ticket like DirecTV, you’re assuming that’s what I mean. And you will be really lucky if the technician shows you how to do anything. Still on the fence about the TV service? Well, I’m going to make it easier for you to switch. Who wouldn’t want to have everything on one bill? Wouldn’t it be easier making just one payment to one company each month than multiple companies? So I’ve got you a bit lured in. Now I’m going to scare you away with price on purpose. I’m going to give you the price before discounts. At this point you are thinking you just stay with who you have because its more expensive and not worth the switch. You tell me that you have decided to pass on the TV service because of the price. Well I’m about to do you a solid. I’m gonna give you the favorite customer discount. I’m going to give you $60 off that price which makes it less expensive than what you are currently paying. Now I have you thinking about it again, but your still not sure you want to switch because after that intro price for one year, its going back up $60. Its ok because you can always call customer care and they will give you that price for another year. At least I hope so, but more than likely not. But I’m not telling you that. Still not convinces to switch? Ok I’m going to sweeten the pot even more. Because you have been so patient with me today, if you switch right now, I’m going to send you a $150 visa gift card. And because you work for the state (or whoever) I’m going to send you another $100 gift card. That’s $250!! Who says no to $250? You actually do get the gift cards. Now that I have you sold on that, I need your information. Especially your address. Once you give me your address, I’m going to give you a bunch of different reasons why you need home security. I’m going to tell you straight to your face that your neighborhood isn’t very safe. I might even say that I saw the crime rate had gone up in that area. If you tell me you have a dog who barks, I’m going to remind you he is part of your family and you should protect your dog as well. If you tell me you live in a gated community, I’m going to remind you that people in gated communities typically have nice things. So where do you think criminals are going to target? I’m going to get you thinking about scary situations. Maybe even make you feel bad for not having it already. But I’m only looking out for you, and you guessed it, you trust me. You want to be safe, so you sign up for it. Seriously, who doesn’t want to be safe?

At the end of the day you got more than you came in for. That $100 quickly turned into $325 and I just got you to switch all of your home services. That is a huge amount of money in my pocket. And you bought all of this stuff because you trust me.

You can say I take advantage or whatever you want. You could say I do. In no way do I do this to elderly people. I have a soft spot in my heart for them. The majority of the time, I take things off their bill that they haven’t or never will use. Half the time they don’t even what they are paying for.

I’m tired of scaring people into buying things. Its not right. People will spend the last dime they have out of fear of something. However, it is my job and I have numbers I have to hit or I lose my job. These are the reasons I’m switching careers.

One thing I want everyone to know and this is the most important thing to me, when I’m not at work, the salesman in me doesn’t exist. He only shows up when I’m clocked in. But that’s pretty much my day at work.

The Apostles Creed

I believe in God, the Father Almighty, the Maker of heaven and earth, (Genesis 1)
and in Jesus Christ, His only Son, our Lord: (John 1)

Who was conceived by the Holy Ghost, born of the virgin Mary, (Luke 1)
suffered under Pontius Pilate, (Matthew 27:11-31)
was crucified, dead, and buried; (Matthew 27:32-61)

He descended into hell. (1 Peter 3:19)

The third day He arose again from the dead; (Matthew 28)

He ascended into heaven, (Acts 1)
and sitteth on the right hand of God the Father Almighty; (Acts 7:56)
from thence he shall come to judge the quick and the dead. (Matthew 25:31-46)

I believe in the Holy Ghost; (John 14:15-27) 
the holy catholic church; (Matthew 16:18)
the communion of saints; (Eph. 2:19-22)
the forgiveness of sins; (Eph. 1:7)
the resurrection of the body; (1 Cor. 15)
and the life everlasting. (John 3:16)

The Oneness religion revisited.

There is a great debate among  religions. That is the oneness (1 god, 1person) and the trinity (1 god, made up by three separate entities). The thing that many oneness people think, is that trinity believers think there are three gods. Trinity believers such as myself clearly state it is one god. There are many scriptures that prove there is a trinity, but yet none to prove there is not.  I will give you a fee to show why thee trinity is correct. This first is probably the most important and I will tell you why after.

Matthew 3:14 But John forbad him, saying, I have need to be baptized of thee, and comest thou to me?  3:15 And Jesus answering said unto him, Suffer it to be so now: for thus it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness. Then he suffered him.  3:16 And Jesus, when he was baptized, went up straightway out of the water: and, lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove, and lighting upon him:  3:17 And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.

The first is obvious, you cannot be your own father and your own son. Secondly, when the voice from heaven says ” This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased”, Jesus cannot be saying that. And think about it logically, would he need to tell himself that he was proud of himself? And when the spirit of god came down, the spirit was that of god at the time.

Next verse

John 17:5 And now, O Father, glorify thou me with thine own self with the glory which I had with thee before the world was. (This is Jesus speaking in the bible)

Ok this is easy. Jesus says “which I had with thee.” I want you to think about that. Jesus is talking to god. Jesus also says “before the world was.” So he is clearly stating he was with god before the world existed. You cannot argue what he says. Plain and simple.

Next verse.

Matthew 28:19 Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost:

People often get confused with the word “name” in this verse. But you cannot simply take one word and make it to say what you want it to say. If you look up in the dictionary “in the name of”, it means “by the authority of.”

Look at it this way. If someone is committing a crime, the police officer says, “stop in the name of the law.” That is not stating a person. Do you see the difference. Secondly, if you go by what names is he referring to I’ve got you covered as well. The name of the father is Jehovah or Yahweh. The name of the son is Jesus.

It also states “and of.” The means as well as the Holy Ghost. So to correctly state the verse, the father and son have names. The Holy ghost is the Holy ghost and the Holy ghost is the name.

Ladies and gentleman, I rest my case!

Dreams, part 1, 2 and 3.

I’ve had the most random dreams the past 3 nights in a row. I have absolutely no clue where they came from. And its quite odd they were on consecutive nights. Same dream, just different people each dream.

The first night, the dream was me being engaged to a friend of mine named Rachel. I’ve known her since I’ve moved to California. She is married and I haven’t seen her in god knows how long. I don’t get where this dream came from.

The second night, was the same dream except it was Kate. She is a girl I knew from high school. I didn’t really know her like a friend. We are FB friends, and she is a pretty smart and funny cookie. I don’t know her relationship situation. I don’t know why it was her in the second dream.

And the final night, same exact dream, but with April. I went to high school with her and we were somewhat of friends in high school. Not like best friends. Same with her, Fb friends. She helped me a lot when I was going through my depression. She is married with kids.

My biggest question is, why? Why the same dream three nights in a row, but with different people each dream? Do they have a meaning or are they just random? My brain has been going crazy trying to figure it out.

Depression, stress to go with a main course of anxiety.

Tonight was a bit of a tough night for me. First, I was a little down. I started thinking about the dog me and one of my ex’s adopted together. When we split, she took him. His name is Onyx. Onyx truly was my best friend, buddy and sidekick. During the last 3 1/2 months it was me, him and the cats. It was my responsibility to take care of them all. Working full time, taking care of a dog and 6 cats isn’t easy. Especially when cleaning the litter boxes. But I did the best job I could do. I look back to the time when it was my job to take care of them while my ex was working in Humboldt. While she was gone, and before she cheated, I missed her. But every day when I would come home Onyx was so happy. Just like any one else’s dog. I was there for him while she was gone being a cheat. I love that dog to pieces and miss him very much. Its been almost 8 months since I’ve seen him. Never has one animal affected me this way and this deep. I sometimes wonder if missing him caused my depression or if he was part of the reason. I’m still not sure what caused it to be honest. That was my sadness for the evening.

I’ve been stressed lately as well. Making the transition from AT&T corporate to an Authorized retailer and the waiting in between for paychecks sucks. Yeah money is super duper tight. Kind of like everything hit me at once. And even though I’m still waiting to start training on Monday for AT&T again, I’ve had other opportunities. I have one tomorrow for a management position with DirecTV. Which was purchased by ATT coincidentally. Its more money and more responsibility. Like on friend said, its a good problem to have. I guess I just need to make up my mind who I want to work for. Never have I been wanted by so many different employers at once. I will pick, just give me some time.

I think when you mix those previous two things together, you get anxiety. Which is what I had tonight as well. I was just laying here watching Hells Kitchen, which is one of my favorites, and my abs just got tight. I got a little tingly. I knew it was going to go full blown panic attack if I didn’t pop a klonopin. Which I did. I started to feel better. But now that I think about it, I might have just been gassy! Which brings me back to another ex story. This is the type of guy I am. So when me and my ex lived in Humboldt she started to have anxiety and panic attacks also. One night she had them real bad because she was having some pains in her stomach. She hopped in the bath to relax and see if that would take the edge off. Me and my experience dealing with them, I always tried my best to calm her and help her. But as she got out of the bath, she said she wanted to go to the emergency room. I said ok, let’s go. I knew in my head nothing was wrong with her. From my own experience I knew not to say that. Sometimes you have to hear it from the doctors mouth to feel better. I really didn’t mind going and taking her as much as hospitals give me anxiety. So we get there, get checked in, answer some questions and they tell her to put the gown on and that the Dr would be in. So the nurse leaves and my ex looks at me with this look. Kinda like a smile. I knew she wanted to say something. So said “What is it?” Well when she got out of the shower she just put her pants, bra and shirt on. Nothing on under the pants. So she didn’t want to be embarrassed because she didn’t want her business being exposed. So, nice guy that I am. I tell her to hold on. I look around, drop my pants and take my boxers off. And put my pants back. I gave her my boxers so she would feel more comfortable. I don’t think she ever expected me to do that. But I did it happily. The point of this story is, well, the dr told her that she was having gas pains. So I think my anxiety tonight may have been cause by the same thing.

I totally didn’t expect to rant about this much. But as we all know, certain things we just blab on about and then ideas and other stuff pop in our heads. Anyways, that was my glass of life for the day.