The back that was stabbed

We have friends for many reasons. Some because they are great listeners and others because they do the same things as you like to do. Or maybe its just simply that you grew up with them your whole life. As we get older we lose friends and make new ones. Some friends we hold onto for no particular reason except. Maybe those friends make great conversation. You might call them “friends when there is nothing else to do.”

Regardless, there was or is a reason they are not or still are your friends. True friends follow you through the good times and bad. True friends stick up for you. They are the ones who will do anything to protect you. They loan you money, give you rides, call you when you are sad, they are your best man or brides maid, or the brother or sister you’ve never had.

What happens when who you thought they were, is in fact not who they are or who they seem to be. The ones who constantly judge you, or say and do hurtful things behind your back. The ones who tell you one thing and do another, the two faced friends, or the ones who throw things right at your face. Eventually, you have to decide if you want these people in your life or not. But how do we know when enough is enough.

I guess you could say its a feeling. You finally start to understand that the ones who pretend to be your friends are in fact the ones who really have nothing better to do than to slam someone else to feel better about themselves. They are the ones who have all the right answers and how dare you question them. How dare you say this or do that when they were there to help you? To an extent I can see that. But what if that is constantly thrown in your face? Eventually you say fuck it, because at the end of the day a true friend wouldn’t keep throwing that same bucket of sand in your face.

What if you are the friend that always lies. What I mean by that is if you’re promising someone something based on something happening. But if that something falls through you are the liar. Yes and no. You knew it was based on something happening. Its not like you made up a fictitious story. It was all some bad luck. What if you say that you are going to do something by a certain day but you get caught up in something else and end up doing it a little later that same day. They assume you are lying. How about if you say something but they don’t know all the facts. Basically, this friend has jumped to the conclusion that you are a liar. But when you ask them to show you the facts that they have gathered to prove it, these facts are non existent.

After everything is said and done, they are not the person you thought they were. Then its decision time. Are you a better person without this so called friend. That is everyone’s individual decision. My decision is to not have a judgmental, backstabbing, never says or does anything wrong, and feels good about them self when they put you down friend. Or maybe she influenced the greatest person in your life to leave! Ah hem! So, thank you and please exit stage left!

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Brody and Jenny, Luke and Lorelai

Once there was a couple named Brody and Jenny. Wait…lets back up a bit. I first want to point out that Brody and Jenny weren’t looking for each other. When they met, it was love at first sight. They had ups and downs in an unfavorable scenario.

Eventually they fought through this scenario. They were in each other’s arms. They were inseparable. The happy couple decided they would live together. When that happened, there love for one another grew tremendously. They supported and cared about one another, like any normal couple. They also had problems like any other couple. When Brody and Jenny talked about their problems with each other, they worked through them. However, sometimes they would go to other people for help with their problems. Those people tried their best to give the right answers. In the end, it only made things worse for this amazing couple. They were so good at solving their own problems but they never realized it.

Eventually, Brody started to spiral downhill. Nothing was as it seemed in the beginning. The home that they loved became the home he hated. Brody didn’t like the fact they only had one vehicle between the two of them. He thought that their life should be so much better. Jenny would always comfort him telling him they had the perfect life. That she loved their home. She didn’t care that they had one car. Those things werent important to her. Jenny was happy with things. Brody was disappointed with himself and his life. He knew he could provide much better than he had. During this ride he was on, he forgot what the most important thing he had was. He was so worried, he didn’t think about the fact that Jenny is all he ever needed and that Brody is all she ever wanted. Brody eventually lost Jenny.

Brody came close to giving up. But the one thing Brody thought about was, what was the most important thing he needed in his life. And that’s when Jenny appeared again. He didn’t get to see her for some time. And to this day he still hasn’t seen her. But the one thing they decided to do, was to change their names. Jenny recommended that he change his name to Luke and that she would change hers to Lorelai. Once they did that, it was like they were brand new people again. They couldn’t get enough of each other. They never wanted the phone calls to end. They made sure they talked everyday. Nobody knows how the end of their story reads. Maybe it hasn’t been written yet. Maybe they became the best of friends. Maybe, just maybe, they lived happily ever after.

Everyone loves a good ending. The epic movie scenes of a girl running into the guys arms at the end. The glass slipper fitting the one foot it was made for. How about the guy carrying his wife off into the sunset? My point being, just because they happen in movies and tv shows, doesn’t mean they wont happen in real life.

The Scars of Love….

“We’re all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. Why is this? Because you yourself are wrong in some way, and you seek out partners who are wrong in some complementary way. But it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. And it isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems—the ones that make you truly who you are—that we’re ready to find a lifelong mate. Only then do you finally know what you’re looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person—someone you lovingly gaze upon and think, this is the problem I want to have. I will find that special person who is wrong for me in just the right way. Let our scars fall in love.”  ―Galway Kinnell

A very special person in my life once told me that we were perfect for each other because the both of us had been damaged from prior relationships. The quote above rings so true.

I did finally go up against my deepest demons and unsolvable problems. I think everyone knows this that has read just one of my blogs. The giant scar I have of suicide, depression and anger is just what it is. And that scar is a reminder of what I went through and what I fought for to be the person I am today.

I know in my mind what I want. I want that perfectly imperfect person in my life. How lucky would I be to have a problem I want to have. The girl who eats a donut before paying for it. Or the woman who crosses the street in the middle of a parade. Those are “problems” I want to have. Because to me they are not problems at all. They are ways that make up a person and who they are. And I love that person with all of my heart. So the person that is right for me, is the one I will love forever. The only question I have is, will her scars fall in love with my scars? It’s my hope that they will again.

Do you have any change? I’ve got two cents.

Surely there are things about yourself that you don’t like. So you change them, right? Well, not exactly. It’s more likely that you keep on doing them, even though you say you’d like to change them. So is the old adage, “A leopard can’t change his spots,” true? That people can’t change?

No, people can change.

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But you can’t just snap your fingers and say goodbye to well-established patterns, even when those patterns result in bad consequences. Sure, you wish it could be easier. You may be impatient with yourself, giving yourself a good scold: “Just stop it already!” Oh, how I hate the word “just” when it pertains to change. We don’t change “just” because someone (even ourselves) wants us to.

However, the opposite stance also is filled with flaws. Chase away those demons that tell you that you can’t change: it’s too hard, it’s not in your DNA, it requires excessive effort. Such a mindset will sabotage your efforts before you even begin. Though it’s true that “you are who you are” and that your personality structure “is what it is,” it’s not true that you can’t modify, alter, or tweak many aspects of how you behave.

So, how do you change?

It’s a process that begins with being aware. This may seem obvious, but it’s not. If you’re used to blaming everyone else for your problems, then you’re not aware. If you’re living your life in a daze, blaming bad luck, then you’re in denial. How are you ever going to change anything if you don’t own up to how your thinking and behavior help create the predicament you’re in?

Self-awareness without judgment, similar to an anthropologist observing behavior in an attempt to understand it, is the first step. Yet, you can be fully aware of your bad habits and still not change. What’s missing?

A no-nonsense commitment to change is what’s missing. Casual commitment won’t do. Going on a diet for a week doesn’t hack it. Add exercise to the mix for two weeks, it still doesn’t hack it. What’s a no-nonsense commitment to change? In your quiet moment of truth, when you’re alone and not under pressure by anything or anyone, you, your ‘executive’ self in harmony with your ‘emotional’ self, make a solemn pledge to change.

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No more excuses. No more magical thinking. No more self-sabotage. You know it won’t be easy, but so what? You’re committed to the goal.

You acknowledge the need for self-discipline, perseverance, and hard work. You know why you want to change. You know who you want to be. You know that your actions need to adhere to your beliefs. You know it makes no sense claiming you want to change but then doing nothing about it. You’re tired of disappointing yourself. You’re fed up with feeling frustrated. You welcome change. You’re ready to go. You get off your butt. And you get off your excuse-making ‘but.’

Adopting new ways rarely comes comfortably at first. You may feel a lot of resistance to change. But if you think about change as an opportunity to grow, not as an unwanted burden, amazing things can happen.

I like Muhammad Ali’s take on it when he said “A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.”

So, whether you are years younger than fifty or years older than fifty, I hope you make the change you want. Don’t let rigidity or fear stifle your growth. Don’t get down on yourself by believing that just because everything hasn’t changed, nothing has changed.

Even moderate change can reap meaningful benefits. And here’s the best news of all. Change that moves in a positive direction will not only expand your confidence, it can enrich your relationships, enhance your career, and empower your well-being. Wow, what a payoff!

You have to realize that change doesn’t happen overnight. Change doesn’t happen with the snap of a finger. It takes time and plenty of thought. The one thing to remember is that when change is begged for, it is not real. It may seem fine and dandy at first, but the old person will show it’s face again. Don’t accept anything less than proof. When true change happens, you will be able to see it with your own eyes and others will acknowledge it. Most importantly, your heart will feel it.

Why can’t I move on?

I keep my mind so occupied throughout the day. But every time my mind is free, Chrissy pops in my head. It breaks me down. I keep telling myself “look what she did to you, she gave up on you and went back to her ex.” But it doesn’t stop. I’ve taken everything down at my home that reminds me off her. Maybe living there in itself reminds me of her. How could my heart still want a person who did that though. Does that mean I was truly in live with her and that I still am. I even have a couple of new women in my life. No, they don’t know about each other, but I’m also not exclusive to either of them. Some may say it’s wrong. Wrong because I’m seeing two women at once and that I’m not over Chrissy. I figure this, if I can keep my mind occupied as much as possible, I will eventually forget about Chrissy. Or one of these two will fill that void she left behind and maybe I will fall madly in love with one of them. I keep replaying over and over in my head what I would do if Chrissy showed up out of nowhere. My heart is saying take her back but my brain is reminding me of what she did. It’s a daily struggle. Some better than others. So maybe my heart is saying yes to the Chrissy I thought she was and my brain is saying  no to the Chrissy that just left me. I think the reason I would say no is because I never want to feel this way again. She walked out of my life with no words. I can’t do that again. The pain is too much for me.

Depression plus 11.

So it’s been a few days since I last blogged. It’s taking me more time to think and use my brain with these.
I felt I needed to bring depression back up. It is becoming a common and more understanding disease that plagues many people. I feel the need to help others try to understand their partners so that they aren’t left alone to fight depression by their significant other. The more someone understands depression, the better they will be if their partner becomes depressed. I know it’s not the easiest thing to deal with. But helping and understanding what they are going through may make a world of difference in your relationship. Never give up on them. Never walk out on them. Never leave them for it. It will make you stronger and your significant other will appreciate you sticking by their side during the most difficult times. Like not leaving them for someone else because it’s convenient. I know everyone has a breaking point, but try your hardest to push through it. This blog may have some repeats in it from one of my earlier ones. I just feel that adding them back into this one makes it even more complete.

Depression sets relationship traps for both partners. Everything can change quickly between two people, and it’s crucial to be able to spot these changes as soon as possible.

Here are 11 signs of the illness that seem perfectly designed to undo the bonds of closeness.

Humor, talking and doing things together, sharing special moments – they’re all gone.

In their place are avoidance, anger, blame and isolation.

Two Sides of Depression

Usually, we think of the passive side of the illness with its loss of vitality and despair, but there’s also an aggressive side.

It flares out when depressed partners blame others for what they’re feeling. The person they’re closest to takes the brunt of their anger. The first several symptoms in this list describe these behaviors.

On the passive side, the abuse is turned inward. It’s the depressed partner who’s the center of every problem. They’re self-absorbed to the point of losing the ability to relate to others in a realistic way.

Instead of denial and blaming everyone else for their pain, they focus on their own worthlessness, even to the point of thinking constantly of suicide as the only way out.

Many of these relationship traps converge and become all the more damaging through their combined impact. The specific behaviors can emerge in dozens of different ways, and here I’ve drawn partly on what I did when depressed. The experience could feel very different in your relationship.

The Relationship Traps

Irritability.

Flashes of anger come frequently. Irritability is a constant attitude, leading to criticism and annoyance at trivial things. Money’s being wasted, bills aren’t paid on time, the house is a mess – and it’s your fault. For days at a time, depression can provoke this constant barrage of criticism. Any attempt to probe what’s going on only provokes angry denial.

Control.

When inner feelings are most confusing, depressed partners try to control home and family as closely as possible. They want everything to be predictable. Even the flow of spontaneous feeling in the family can be threatening. They can get furious at minor upsets that violate the sense of order they’re desperate to preserve. That order, however, is completely arbitrary and can vary from moment to moment, depending on their own feelings. The depressed partners are full of tension, and their behavior is torture for the rest of the family.

Blame.

The closer to inner collapse depressed partners feel, the more they blame others for creating their problems. They accuse their partners of ruining their lives and ignoring their needs. They keep lists of their grievances and obsess about the way they’re frustrated at every turn. Their partner is selfish and never tries to help. At work, they’re driving them crazy. Someone else is always at fault. At its worst, this need to blame can turn paranoid.

Abuse.

Contempt and rejection become common. There is rebuke in every glance. Dismissive remarks about their partner’s appearance and attempts at conversation become the norm. With verbal attacks, they try to manipulate partners into believing they’re the ones in need of help and cause them to question their own judgment. At social gatherings, the depressed partners can make cutting remarks and ignore their partners while engaging happily with everyone else. At the worst, verbal abuse can even escalate to physical attacks.

Addiction/Escape.

Trying to escape the pain of depression can lead to addictive behavior. Alcohol can dull all feeling. Drugs, pornography, affairs or fantasies of escaping to a new life can all provide temporary emotional highs and arousal to replace the despair or lack of deep feeling depression can cause. Real intimacy and relationship seem remote and disappear in the need to get away from the reality of the illness. The well partners can’t get through to them and can face angry denial that there’s anything wrong with them.

Emotional Withdrawal.

Suddenly a depressed partner can feel like they’re not there. Physically, they can be present, but emotionally there are no reactions, very little response of any kind. In their own minds, they’re becoming observers rather than participants in daily life. Nothing seems to get through to them. It’s as if they’ve disappeared. A relationship becomes impossible when it’s all one way.

Obsessive Thinking.

It’s often called ruminating, but I prefer to call it obsessive thinking. That gets at the intense anguish that’s part of a compulsive focus on every mistake they’ve ever made. In depression, they can’t stop thinking about what they did wrong today. Or if today was all right, they could summon up that embarrassing or stupid thing they did twenty years ago. Time doesn’t make any difference. The memories of failure, real or imagined, are the most highly charged for a depressed person. They’re always close to the surface and provide reminders every day of how inadequate they are. These thoughts are a constant distraction from any effort to connect with a partner. They’re lost in these memories of everything they’ve ever done wrong and can never set right.

Isolation.

Overwhelmed, unable to face anyone, depressed partners spend a lot of time alone. They may feel a desperate need to get away from everyone. They need space and solitude to hold onto the little energy and spark they have left. Even when not so desperate, they may want to do things alone that they used to do with their partners. They may work all the time and avoid the pressure of being with people. The well partner is deserted. There’s literally no one there to try to relate to.

Indifference.

Sometimes the sense of being overwhelmed or too despairing to face anyone is replaced by the inability to feel much of anything. The partner might say everything is fine, but there is no sense of real connection. Nothing stirs excitement. There’s no interest in sex. They may say they feel fine but have no interest in doing anything. They can be apparently quite sociable and at ease but can’t share anything deep or really make contact. Something is missing inside.

Inability to Talk.

Depression can be so deep that the desire to talk and communicate disappears. The partner might be content to sit and stare for hours. If asked what’s wrong or if they want anything, there’s little response. Or if they’re still active, they may just find it impossible to talk about the depression they’re experiencing. They may say they’re trying to spare their partners the turmoil they’re going through. Or they can feel there is something so monstrous in them that they dare not expose it to anyone close. Nothing inside can be exposed through words.

Shame and Worthlessness.

One of the hallmarks of depression is the overpowering sense of worthlessness. Self-esteem is replaced with self-contempt. An inner voice persuades the partner to think this way: I can’t do anything right, and I’ve never been able to. I’m just too stupid. Everyone else may think I’m fine but they just don’t know what really goes on inside me. My partner couldn’t possibly love an idiot like me. Someone else will come along, someone better, more capable, stronger than I am. It’s only a matter of time before my partner gives up on me and finds real fulfillment with someone else. Nothing will ever work out for me.

It’s hard to imagine a more complete inventory of weapons for destroying relationships. Even one or two would be like poison, but depression often brings them all together. They may not all occur within a single episode, but any of them can arrive without notice.

Anger Update: I am still in complete control of my anger. There have been many opportunities to where in the past I might have done or said something but now I know how to just relax and not let it bother me. It’s not a matter of bottling it all up and becoming a ticking time bomb. It’s truly about understanding that it’s not worth the negative energy you put into it.

Chrissy Update: I still have not heard from Chrissy. I have to say I am glad I haven’t. She does pop up in my mind every now and then and I still feel the pain when that does happen. I am however noticing that it’s happening less and less. So I know it’s slowly going away.

Btw, I have phone numbers to 9 different women. Stretching from the Bay Area to Nevada City. I’m still really far away from anything remotely serious. I’m still not ready. I’m still not fully healed. Right now it’s all about fun. And my confidence couldnt be higher.

The Ex Factor

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So today I found out Chrissy went back to her ex. Which I find hilarious. The same guy she left to be with me. So going back on yesterday’s blog I have come to this conclusion. I was her rebound to fix her last relationship. Which is fine with me now. If it takes you breaking someone’s heart to pieces to fix your prior relationship, I hope you feel better about yourself.

Some of you might think, well that’s exactly what I was going to do. Big difference being I am planning on telling the rebound I have what has happened in the past few months. Thay way she can make the decision if she wants to go through with it. So to the commenter that said I was selfish, tell me again how you came to that conclusion? Because we would all like to know. You can still hide behind a username if you want. We all know you that you would rather hide behind the internet because you are gutless. But back to my point.

This is the same guy that she came to “hate” when we were together. The guy thay treated her like a possession. The guy that didn’t care about who she was or what she wanted. Well, unless you count buying her love with gifts. I can’t say I’m not surprised. This guy has no job and can’t keep one. But here is the kicker, he has anger issues worse than I ever did. I have customers come in and yell at me but I have to let it go in one ear and out the other. I want and definitely need to keep the job I have. Plus I love it. So this guy was fired for pushing a female customer at a car dealership he worked at as a salesman. Most recently he lost his job because he told his boss to go fuck himself. He has no self restraint and hos priorities are in the wrong spot. He is over 50 and lazy. Non active whatsoever. Chrissy hated that because she is only 34. Now that he has dropped a few pounds I’m sure he will gain them back because he has what he wanted back. He put on his pretend him to do it. Funny thing is that when he was trying to tell her he had changed, he would always threaten to take their kid and go away or threaten her with other stuff. He would always end up turning into this screaming monster.

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I guess I should have seen this coming when she didn’t go all the way through with the custody paperwork. She kept putting it off.

When I first heard the news today my body went into this emotional state of disbelief. I had these warm sensations running through my body like my world had fallen apart. Little did I know, it only lasted for a few seconds. I started thinking to myself, I finally got the answer I was looking for. She wouldn’t talk, message or email me back. The one question I wanted answered was if we were completely over. So I guess even though I had the pain today, I got what I needed. That was my closure and it seems to be making it easier for me. Probably because it boosted my confidence because I know I’m 10 times a better person and treat a woman 10 times better than him. Which tells me that I deserve better than someone who is willing to give up on me in my darkest hours to run back to that guy.

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I’m already a happier guy. I’m really successful at my job. And I’m meeting new people. I’ve met three young ladies already who I get along with very well. I kind of feel like the bachelor right now because I will pick from one of these three. And there is one I’m leaning really hard towards. So, why do I even care thay she went back to him? Because it made me a better person and boosted my confidence. I can literally have any single woman I want. I have the balls to ask the hottest of girls out and I don’t worry about rejection because it’s going to happen. I know my life is going to be filled with lots of fun times and I know I’m going to be sharing it with someone. Now if, well we will call her by her initials, K.Z. I would totally want a woman like her. She has her crap together, she is smart, caring, amazingly gorgeous, and funny as hell! She is a happy person. But she is in a relationship and somebody is going to be very lucky to have her. Trust me, if I had a chance, I would go for it. She is the type of person where you wait until you are completely ready to go into a relationship with. She is the type of person I would give my all to. So, I just need to find her clone somewhere. I want to be the guy that someone is going to be very lucky to have. It will happen, and I’m not looking for it. I believe it will just happen someday.

One last thought on Chrissy. I know someday she will look back and see the huge mistake she made. And when that day comes, it will be too late. I won’t be sorry either. Yes my actions helped run her off. But to give him a third chance and not give me a second one really speaks volumes. I have started the disconnect already. Today I unfriended her from Facebook. She can sit there and wonder what I’m doing and how great my life is. Tomorrow all the things that remind me of her are going into storage. I’m backing up my phone as well with all of our pictures and putting them in a folder on my computer somewhere. I’ll be going through my facebook pics and deleting the ones of me and her. If you ask me, they can be a nutty, happy family. And don’t get me started on how she hasn’t contacted her best friend since she left me. Probably because thay controling ass won’t let her. I know he is scared that she will leave him again for me. I hope not. I hope she leaves him for someone else. Just for her to be in a better situation. But it’s really nice to say this…

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WORD!

The Rebound Relationship

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One of the biggest perceptions of a rebound relationship is that it’s bad. To many, it’s just a wrong way to get over an ex or deal with a difficult situation. But is that true?

Rebound relationships are completely misunderstood. And for all the wrong reasons. Most people assume that a rebound relationship is actually a bad way to cope with a break up. And many others think it’ll never really help you heal completely because you haven’t had time to get over your ex. But the truth is, unless you let some more love and happiness into your life, you’re never really going to get over your ex in the first place. As a matter of fact, rebound relationships are one of the perfect ways to get over a broken heart. But if the only reason you’re getting into a relationship is to forget your ex, and not really to fall in love with someone new, then perhaps it would be better to let your new date know what you have in mind rather than hurt them later.

What is a rebound relationship?

Many of us fall into a rebound relationship without really realizing it. It happens all the time with consoling friends of the opposite sex who are attracted to each other, on chance meetings at a party and even when old crushes get in touch immediately after a break up for a feel-good call. Every time you have a break up and feel good talking to an old crush or feel a tingle of excitement when you’re cuddling up with a crush or a friend that’s consoling you, it’s nothing but the first flicker of a rebound relationship. You may not realize it or want to take it further, but it’s all the first few stages of a rebound relationship. When you break up, the only logical thing to do is to get over it or try to get over it by having a great time doing something that keeps you preoccupied. So what if you have to flirt with someone or fall in love with someone else to feel happy and nice all over again?

Does your new date trust you?

Entering into a new relationship soon after a break up can be a cause for concern. You may feel happy and romantic, and your new date may wonder if you’re even serious about the whole thing. After all, this could just be a little fling to feel happy and get over the breakup.

One of the best things to do in these circumstances is to take things slowly. You could talk to your new date and let them know that you’ve just broken up and need a bit of time before you’re ready to get serious. But make it clear that you would love to spend more time together with your new date and are excited to go out with them. By making it clear that you’re genuinely interested in your new date and want to take things slow, it’ll help this new person in your life understand that you are looking for something serious and not just a rebound fling, which is one of the biggest concerns of dating immediately after a break up. Whatever you’re looking for, be it a quick fling or a serious romance, let your new date know what you have in mind, at least by your actions if not by your words.

How can a rebound relationship help you heal?

When you break up with a partner, you’re left with an empty space that just needs to be filled. And the only reason you pine over your ex, try to get back in touch with them, or even call them repeatedly is because of the lack of happiness and love in your own life. You could spend time with friends or indulge in a few activities that make you happy. Or you could date someone and fill that emptiness of lost love with more love and flirty excitement.

Once you experience happy love, it’s hard to stay away from it even if you’ve broken up. Love is too wonderful a feeling to lose out on, especially if you’ve had a great relationship until circumstances split both of you apart.
Some of us are meant to love and stay in love. So if you have a hard time moving on, stop trying to look for ways to keep yourself occupied, instead look for ways to fall in love again. It’s easier, happier and with a bit of luck, you may meet someone who’s perfect for you.

Why are rebound relationships a good thing?

A rebound relationship is a great way to move on, but there’s more to it too. It can help you find true love too. You may have been in a relationship for a long time, but when you finally step back into the dating scene, you may meet a lot of charming, cute and lovable dating potentials who are looking for someone just like you. If you do want to meet someone and fill that void in your heart, meeting someone who makes your heart skip a beat is a great start to love and happiness.

A rebound relationship is primarily used to get over your ex quickly, and it does its job well. A good bit of rebound love can bring you back on your feet and bring the excitement back into your life.
One of the surprising benefits of ending a relationship is the hope of something better and truer. A friend of yours or a hottie you’ve always appreciated may have been in love with you for a long time, unable to reveal their true feelings for you because you’re already seeing someone else. While this may seem like a rebound relationship to you, to your new sweetie this could be the moment they’ve been waiting for their whole life.
The best part of a rebound relationship is the hope of finding true love. You’ve been in a relationship long enough to read the signs of a bad lover or even a bad relationship. By using your experiences in love, you may be able to find someone you actually end up falling in love with.

All said and done, rebound relationships are a great way to get over an ex and a perfect way to uncover a true love potential out of the blue. But even if you don’t really meet the love of your life immediately, heck, you’ll still be able to get over your breakup in no time.

The next time love comes knocking on your door in the form of an exciting rebound relationship, don’t slam the door on it. Welcome it and experience the happiness and the new hope of true love that it brings with it. Just make absolutely sure the other person knows your intentions. I’m in no way, shape or form ready for even a rebound, but I’m well on my way.

I hope this blog made sense to people. Plesse don’t judge me it. Its only making matches of what is going through my head.

Btw, it’s been almost a month since Chrissy left me. I still haven’t heard a peep from her. All the love I have for her is still there. Please don’t judge me by this blog. Im just throwing out what makes sense.

Well, the time has come.

It’s been 3 weeks since Chrissy left me. Every moment she has been gone has torn me and my heart to pieces. I miss her dearly and I would give anything for another chance.

When I was young I used to focus on the bad what ifs. Like what if this or that doesn’t happen. What if I don’t succeed. What if I don’t have the future I want. But then as I got older I decided to change my thoughts. I began to think  of what ifs in a good way. Like what if I do succeed. What if I do get the future I want. So I changed my frame of mind to positivity. Instead of focusing on what could go wrong, I focused on what could go right.

I am not trying to force someone to love me or be with me that doesn’t. But I would hope that if there is a part of her that still loves me and wants to be with me that she will give it a shot. Maybe she is thinking what if he didn’t change back to the old, happy Brandon she fell in love with? What if it doesn’t work out this time? I have all the confidence in me and her that it will. Aside from that time of depression for me, we were the happiest couple around. I just hope that if she is thinking of all that bad what ifs, that she will change her mind to the good what ifs.

So it’s also been three weeks since I last heard anything from her. Not a word. I have sent her emails, messages, and even a letter. Not a response. I don’t know if she has even read them. Accept for the ones on messenger way back when she was online. And that was a day or two after she left me. I sent a picture of us with the letter. I don’t know if she has read that letter and if she has, who knows what she did with the picture. I have to assume the worst and that is that she just threw the letter away. I’ve asked her a few times if she would let me know if it was over for good between us and that all I needed was a simple yes or no. Or if she needed more time to think to please let me know. I even told her that by her answering there would be no sub questions. Nothing. I don’t know if she is holding back because she is afraid  the answer “no we are done” is going to hurt me more or if she is still thinking about it and doesn’t want to get my hopes up. Either way, I’m a big boy. To be honest, the silence from her is torture. I am in no way saying she is trying to torture me. She just isn’t that type of person. Or did I hurt her so much that she just doesn’t want to talk to me ever again?

A good point was made to me tonight by a very caring friend. She told me that regardless of what she is thinking that I shouldn’t wait for that answer. I shouldnt hold off in my life because of it. I need to start moving on.

Since she is not replying to my emails or my letter, I have to assume it is done forever. Maybe some time, whether it be tomorrow, next month or next year, I might finally get that answer. Like I’ve been saying, her leaving is my own fault. Well, the depressed and not real Brandons fault. Anyone who knows me, knows that wasn’t me during those down times. But maybe the damage is done. My body and mind feel trapped. It feels like I need that answer to set me free to move on. But the non responses hurt more than any answer she could give me.

My conclusion, it’s time to move on. I’ve got my life back on track. I have a successful job and future ahead of me. My mind frame has been changed when it comes to life. Nothing is worth getting so angry and upset over. Going forward I will continue to make sure I have my water and oxygen so that I can still help others. Currently I help complete strangers that I don’t even know, with their suicidal thoughts and their depression. I’m giving back. I’m doing that because I know what it’s like to have this horrible disease tear someone apart. I have a coworker who is struggling with it. I have an old neighbor who is struggling with it. My goal is to help each and every one of them. Even the people I don’t know. If me talking about depression and suicide to these people only saves one person’s life, it was worth it. I will continue to bring new and old friends back into my life. I hope you don’t mind me using your names, but Rachel, April, Cami, Bobby, and Jason have come out of nowhere on there own free will and helped me. Just the messages and comments mean so much to me. And for anyone else that has sent me positive messages, I thank you all. My family has been there for me as well. Whethr it be trying to keep my mind busy or help me look at my life and the going on’s in different ways. So thank you to both of my uncle’s Jimmy and Jeff and my cousin Aaron. Everyone with all the prayers they are sending my way. My grandparents and my great aunt. My daughter’s mother Amy for reminding me how much our little girl needs me in her life. Last but not least, Chrissy’s mom. I won’t use her name because I don’t know how she would feel about it if she does read this. She has helped me tremendously with her words. She didn’t once judge me. She knows I am human. The last time I saw her, I gave her a hug goodbye. It was hard for me to let go of that hug. It felt like part of what my life has been was going away with Chrissy. She is Chrissy’s mother and I would expect her to fully support Chrissy’s decisions. Its only right. I didn’t ask her to go to bat for me to Chrissy about who I am. Or for her to try to convince Chrissy to come back. I think she knows how much I love and care for Chrissy. But she also understands there is a time to let go.

I think back to the last week and how hard it’s been. However I think more about what I have accomplished in the past three weeks. I beat depression. I beat my anger. But most importantly, I found out who I am. I’m a caring and loving person who wants to help others. I’m a caring and loving person who puts others first. I’m a caring and loving person that I would give my last bit of food to someone else so that they don’t go hungry. I will take a bullet for anyone and I will damn sure stick up for anyone. I’m not afraid. Chrissy said that I was her hero way back. It’s time for me to be someone else’s hero now.

I’m not giving up by any means, but I’m also not waiting for her to answer. I know that the next person, they will be happy with me and they will know everyday how much I love them. I’ve learned from each relationship when it comes to the “what not to do’s.” I’ve fixed them all. So as I head back out into the world as a single guy, I won’t be looking for someone. They will find me. I won’t be getting into a relationship for a while but I will still have fun. Some people say that a casual, non committal relationship is what I need. Maybe they are right, maybe they are not. I’ve set no plan or course of action as far as a relationship goes except for not going into a relationship for a while. I know what I have lost in Chrissy. I am in no way trying to say this in a mean way, but I think one day, she will see what she left and she will bring this blog full circle and finally say, he did go back to the happy Brandon.

While I am lonely at this very moment and wishing I had someone beside me and in my arms, I know that this isn’t permanent. I have already made plans to meet up with a coworker for drinks or coffee next week. Nothing serious. Just a good time. I’ve made plans to go on a hike and take the pictures I love to take. Yes they are flowers, but I love photographing them. I’ve made plans to treat myself to a massage. I’ve made plans to see an old high school buddy’s band play. I will be there with other friends from high school. So, if you think I’m still depressed, think again. Depressed people don’t leave their homes.

My last note is for Chrissy. If you see this blog by any chance, please understand that I haven’t give up on you. I’m not going to email you anymore. I’m not going to message you anymore. I’m just not going to wait for the answer. You will give me that answer when you are ready. Maybe when you are ready, that will be the day you will see who I am once again. Someone out there wants me forever. Maybe its not you, maybe it is. No one can replace you or fill your shoes, but someone will eventually steal my heart.

Evaluating worth.

The value of yourself is very important to your own life. Unlike a car, the value of yourself can go up everyday in life. But your actions will depend on your own personal value.

Some people will gauge their value on matieral things, money, etc. But many people fail because your value is what you have inside of you. It’s what you make it out to be. It’s what you offer that cannot be touched, smelled and has not taste.

The value of how you feel about yourself is what’s most important. If you are not happy, people don’t see good value. Same with depression, anger and so on. Anything negative and your value goes down. Not to say that the people around you will love you or care about you less. Ultimately they will love you and care regardless. This is one of the more important parts of value.

The second is what qualities you have to offer. When I say qualities it doesn’t mean material things. I’m talking about personality, honesty, loving, caring and so on. These are great ways for others to see your value. Are you a nice person? Are you a dependable person? Are you a true person? Are you a fake person? The list can go on. But the good qualities you have, will take you a long way in life.

The next would be stability. Can you offer yourself a stable environment? Do you have a job? Do you have a home? Can you provide for yourself and others? Nowadays both people in a relationship work. If one doesn’t, the other will contribute in great ways. Maybe not money wise, but you will see it.

It all comes down to value. Are you happy? Do you have good qualities within yourself? Can you be a team with another person? If you have all of these, your value is sky high and it will attract others to you. I’m not saying this is the key to a great relationship with others or yourself, but it certainly helps. At this point in my life. I have most of them. I’m working through the heartbreak as best as I can. But as soon as that is beaten, I will have all my qualities back and my value will go up. Just remember, get the highest value for yourself first and then the other things will follow.