The life I almost took…

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Today was a day I thought I would never experience. This was one of the hardest days of my life. It wasn’t my depression that sent me over the edge. It was my heartbreak. Heartbreak like I’ve never felt before. Of the past girlfriends that I have had, I was heartbroken at the end of every relationship. But not to the extent of this one. Never have I felt this way towards someone in my life. Felt so much for them that I was going to end my life because I couldnt have them. Why? Because I lost my soulmate. This wasn’t a cry out for help or a way to get her back. I truly wanted my life to end. I am in no way blaming Chrissy for this. She has the right to make the choices she makes. And I am the one who put her in that postion because of my actions. And I take that responsibility. So please, do not blame or be mad at her for what I am going through and what I almost did. I had an angel looking over me. That angel made the call that saved my life. And for that I am grateful. For my local family in California, continue with your lives as if nothing happened. For my family in other parts of the country, continue to support me. This is not about depression, it’s about heartache. Just please don’t tell me there are plenty of fish in the sea. Support me for going after the one I love. I almost gave up on myself today, but I will not give up on her. My words going forward to anyone who is dealing with any issue in life are from Jim Valvano. “Don’t give up…don’t ever give up.” The day I give up on Chrissy coming back, is the day she tells me to give up. And remember to do these three things everyday. Number one is laugh. Find some laughter in something. Number two is spend time in thought. Number three is to have your emotions move you to tears. If you laugh, think and cry, that’s a heck of a day. Thanks Jim Valvano!

http://youtu.be/HuoVM9nm42E

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How depression hurts loved ones.

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If someone loves you, they want to see you happy. Clearly, with this in mind, your loved ones dont want to see you depressed. Beyond that there are other ways depression hurts your loved ones. This is how it probably affected Chrissy.

The first and obvious thing, a depressed person won’t express as much love or joy and they will miss that. I fear that Chrissy thinks I stopped loving her during this time. I didn’t. I still loved her with all of my heart. It was just hard for me to express it and hard for her to see it because of the state that I was in. I never stopped loving Chrissy!

The second one is somewhat obvious as well. You won’t do things with them, therefore you feel like less of a companion to them. Which makes them think that you might not love them anymore. Again, I never stopped loving her. But how was she to know?

The third is that they will see you as fragile or broken. So they will protect you from their own thoughts. So communication will ultimately shut down. That’s going to make things worse.

The fourth would be that they might try to help you, but it won’t work, because you can only help yourself. When that doesn’t work, they will think you don’t love them and they will feel helpless. Again, I never fell out of love with her.

The fifth and last one, they will worry about you, and if their pain gets strong enough, they will have to stay away during this time of depression for their own well being.

So don’t let depression consume who you are. It sends false signals and makes others feel helpless. I like to think that the real Brandon didn’t end my relationship, but the depression did. At least I can say “depression, I just made you my bitch!”

Unfortunately, Chrissy left just a tad too early. I was coming out of my funk. Her leaving is not her fault. It was mine. She never did one thing wrong. But I’m letting my last be the past. I hope one day she does know that I never stopped loving her.

I have also had a lot of people tell me that I hopped from one relationship to another too quickly. If you were in my shoes you would see why. She is perfect for me. Even if she doesn’t know it. No girlfriend of mine has ever been accepted into my family as much as she was. My brother Matt loved her, my mom, and my sister. My best friends loved her. Caitlyn loved her!

I don’t think she knows how much she means to me and my family. We would do anything for her. I would do anything for her.

Chrissy made it a point for me to know that no one will ever love me as much as she does. I believe that. I hope she knows I feel the same way towards her. No one will love Chrissy more than I do. I never took it for granted that she would cook my meals, do the laundry or clean the house. She could not do any of those and I would love her just as much. If I’m ever given another chance with her, I will make sure she knows everyday how much I love her.

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If I ever move on to someone else and get serious, they have a really high bar to top. Chrissy set it higher than anyone can probably reach. Not too mention, she did say if we broke up and she saw me with another girl, that she would cut a bitch! Lol! That’s my Chrissy. Always finding a way to make me smile. Even right now. So if you are out there, I never stopped loving you!

The plan to happiness…

When one is faced with decisions during depression, there are some things to think about to help you get out of the depression. Many people can succeed in beating depression by following these steps.

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We really need to think about why we are depressed. What was it that triggered you to fall in this state? For me it was memories. Memories of a cheating girlfriend. The hate consumed me so much that it overtook my mind and ultimately ruined my relationship with Chrissy. There was nothing Chrissy could do to fix it. But there was nothing anyone could do to fix it but me and a therapist. Chrissy tried her best. She was my rock. If it wasn’t for her I could have fallen deeper.

To beat the depression you have to think of all the reasons why you should let that one moment in history run your life. The answer, you shouldn’t let it. Remember how good your life was before the depression. Think of all of your successes. They will trump anything. Even the smallest ones. Those successes show who you truly are.

Are you ready and willing to let one thing tear you down? Tear down those successes. Show depression how strong you are. When someone says you can’t do something, what do you do? You prove them wrong. You say to yourself, I can do it. The same thing goes for depression. Kick depression in the ass! Its only here to hurt you. Don’t let it live with you. Give it the eviction notice!

Since I have beaten my depression, my anxiety has been almost non existent. I’m starting to think that those past memories had a lot to do with my anxiety flaring up. My friends ask me how do I know in have beaten depression. I answer them with this. My life has made a complete turnaround mentally by letting go of those bad memories. They are in the past, so let them be in the past. And I can tell you with 100% certainty, they are.

So by keeping the past in the past, I have eliminated my depression and anxiety, which led to my anger.

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With the help of my therapist, family and friends, I have won! I lost a lot during the depression, but ultimately I am the winner. I can say loud and proud, I kicked depressions ass!

Acceptance of loss….

Many of us at one point or another, have or will have to deal with a loss of something or someone. We all know the mental breakdown one can have from that loss as well. Different breakdowns depend on the different ways of loss. In no way can I say a death is a less breakdown than anything else. I have come to the acceptance that the one I love is never coming back again.

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While it is painful for me to say and think that, I know that I will be ok. I have taken steps to better myself with anger and depression. Both seem non existent at the moment. This loss of mine has probably been the greate loss I will ever have. I know I won’t be single forever. Some people go as far to say that I am a serial monogamist. I’m fine with that also.

I love people who are in my life and want to feel that love in return. Love is the best feeling in the world. It’s better than any drug, drink or pill. Love can take you to the highest of all places. Love can bring you peace and happiness. Love can take you on a ride until the end of your time on this planet. Love can also tear all of that down within minutes.

We have all experienced break ups in our lives and we all know some are easier to get over than others. But we all remember the hardest ones. The ones that can drag you down and knock you out for days or weeks or even months. Some people, years. While my acceptance of my loss has not brought me completely down, I am still hurt inside. How many times can you say that you lost the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, and walk away with no pain.

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People say there are plenty of fish in the sea. I say yes there are, but I caught mine. Unfortunately I couldn’t land it on the boat. Maybe this is a sign that sometime in the future our paths will cross again. As much as I loved her and as much as I think she loved me, it’s a possibility. Not one that I’m going to wake up everyday and tell myself that today is the day. But if you know me and my serial monogamist ways, that crossing of paths is very small. I do know this much, she is and will be the greatest loss I have ever had when it comes to relationships. One last time, I love you Christina Renee Dudley!

http://youtu.be/5LGvKFNjpz8

A thought of moving…

During the last couple of days, I’ve reflected on the past few years of my life. Obviously there have been a ton of good things happen to me. I have a job that pays damn well. More than people think. I’ve gotten to know my nephew and nieces a little more. My brother Matthew is well on his way to becoming a successful golfer. Caitlyn is now ten years old. I have some really important friends in my life. I met the most gorgeous and loving woman I will probably ever meet.

I have also had my fair moments of not so good things. An ex girlfriend of mine cheated on me, twice. My anxiety has come back over the last year or so. My bank account was constantly drained due to bills, not all of them mine. I went into a depression that brought out anger in me. I also lost the most gorgeous and loving woman I will probably ever meet.

Like most people, its been ups and downs. One step forward, two steps back for the most part. Some times 3 forward and 1 back. Its not that I have yet to grow up. I’m a man. I have been for a while. I think my life over the last 4 years, up until this past January was mentally exhausting. After January, my life was a complete uphill battle. There was no going backwards. I conquered it. However conquering that battle took all I had left in me.

Then came my depression and anger. For the most part I removed myself from the world. My girlfriend by my side, what else did I need? I needed to open my eyes. I did, but a little too late. Right now as I’m sitting here writing this I am not depressed anymore. I’m still heartbroken and will be for a while. Unless she comes back. I don’t know for sure if she will or if she won’t. But, as much as I love her and want her back, I know I can’t wait forever. Especially not knowing if this is for good or its just a break. I’m not saying I’m ready to find a new girlfriend or anything serious. I know I’m not ready nor will I be ready for someone new for quite some time.

In all the chaos I’ve been through over the past few years, Ive been thinking to myself, I need to hit the reset button. An option I have been considering for a few days now is getting the heck out of California for a bit. Not for good, but an escape. It would help me move on from Chrissy for one. I can tell you without a doubt that she will be the hardest girl I’ve ever had to get over. But it would give me the chance to visit relatives and old friends I haven’t seen in many years. It is a thought and a serious one at that. The only thing keeping me from doing it, my counseling. Its been so good for me. My friends have already seen the change in me. So maybe after a few more sessions.

Its going to be a real tough rest of the year for me mentally, if I lose the one I love for good. Time will only tell and time is what I have. I’m hoping that in the next week I get my answers regarding a relationship with her again. I have a feeling that she thinks that I had a mask on when she first met me and now the real me has shown up. I hope that’s not the case. I really am the person she met in the beginning.

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So getting a fresh start this time may take more than just moving on from someone. It may take moving away from the state for a while. We shall see.

Anger update: I have not been tested by anyone lately, therefore I have not been angry. I don’t know if its because there hasn’t been anything that’s bothered me or because those things don’t bother me anymore. I’m willing to bet on the second one. I was in a line that took forever yesterday and it didn’t bother me one bit.

How I came to want marriage…

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When it comes to me being in relationships, I’ve never given thought to marriage. Any time it has ever come up, my thoughts immediately go towards no. Why would I want to risk this relationship by wearing a ring? People say they feel more tied down when they get married.

When Chrissy and I got together, I still had the same thoughts. When she moved in with me, I never knew that this type of woman still existed. She would cook all the meals, do all the cleaning, and laundry. I offered to help every time. She would always tell me to go relax.

She knew that she didn’t have to do all of these things, but I guess it made her feel like she was pulling her weight. Honestly, I was never concerned with that. But she did it because she loved me and I appreciated everythine she did. I don’t know if I showed it enough.

Like everyone, she had her quirks but those actually never bothered me. That’s probably the first time I could say that about someone.

She always had shown her love to me. An affectionate and cuddly person is something I’ve always missed. She was that and I loved every minute of it.

One if the more important things that meant so much to me was, my mom liked her a lot. I can’t say she has liked everyone of my gfs. I do believe Chrissy has been her favorite. I think it’s because she fits in our family so well.

Basically, when it comes down to it, I believe truly that she is the one for me. Some may think I’m only saying this because our break up was so recent. But when you add everything up, she is everything I want in a woman.

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She is the one that made me want to get married. She changed my mind. It’s not like she was out there thinking she had to change my mind. She did it without even knowing. If I get that second chance with her, I’m never letting go of her.

Help, It’s a four letter word.

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When it comes to depression, anger, alcoholism, drug abuse and so on, realizing you need help is the easy part. Getting help is the hard part. Many people can easily sit there and say they need help with something. But when actually facing the problem head on, many of those people don’t make that jump. It’s easy for bystanders, friends and family members to say someone needs help, but seldom do they understand the problem.

Just recently I had to face my anger issues. Realizing it was a problem happened a little too late. My girlfriend left me. It was then that I realized I actually had to get help. Trying to fix it myself simply wasn’t going to work. I have been going to counseling at $100 a session. Yes, it’s worth it for me to fix my problem.

A couple of weeks ago I met a 22 year old woman. She was young, beautiful, and smart. Never in a million years would I have guessed what she had going on in her world. I immediately felt sad for her. She was depressed, abused alcohol and tried suicide. She also suffered from anxiety. I felt we had a similar story. While I wasn’t suicidal and didn’t drink to ease the pain, I understood what she was feeling. Today she messaged me that she was going into recovery. It put a smile on my face. I’m sad for her that it got to this point, but I’m so glad she is going. I’m so proud of her, being a 22 year old, for knowing that she needs help. Some people might say, well she is a wreckless young lady. I say you’re wrong.

I know it must take strength to go to a recovery home. Her going just proves how strong she is. I believe in this girl!
I am beating my anger, no pun intended. She will beat this!

If you have a friend or family member that needs help, don’t be afraid to use the words “professional help.” And don’t forget, everyone, no matter how big or small the problem, give them a second chance. The ones who actually get help, are the ones who actually change. Some more than others.

Words are a double edged sword.

Today I was thinking about all the hurtful things I have said. I realized those words hurt even more when they come from people we love and/or appreciate very much. Then I came to a conclusion that the closest people to us really know us very well, therefore they know exactly what to say to get to us, where maybe someone that doesn’t know us that good wouldn’t be able to hit the nail in the head that great and also we probably would not care anyway.

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The most common reasons why people like to say hurtful things to others are anger, fear and jealousy. Anger, I would say, it’s the most common one. It’s like they want to finish you in seconds by saying the wrong thing to you. They know it’s going to hurt you that’s why they say it, even if they don’t mean it, but they let the anger take over their mind and soul. That is the reason I said hurtful things.

They could also hurt you because for whatever reason they feel intimidated by you, and by hurting you they feel less fear. And last, because they are jealous of you. This last cause doesn’t really need too much explanation since we all know the best way for envious people to attack is by hurting others with their words. The whole purpose, whatever the reason could be, is to hurt you to make themselves feel better, because they are unhappy and insecure about themselves and they are just projecting that dissatisfaction inside out. The only thing I could recommend to you is to ignore them. Don’t let those words take the best out of you. Don’t hold grudges… forgive… otherwise you are letting them win.

On the other hand, if you are the one hurting others with your words, I recommend you stop. Words are a double-edged sword, so always use them in a positive way. Words are very powerful and you are accountable not only for what you do, but for what you say as well and once you pronounce those words there is no way to take them back. So be careful of what you say especially to your loved ones, because by the time you realize what you said was wrong, it could be too late to apologize, either because you went beyond the limit and caused the end of that relationship between you and that person or because that person will not be around anymore for you to say sorry.

I know that I certainly would like to go back in time and change the things I said. She never deserved those words.

I am in control of my anger now!

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I have controlled my anger since going to my counseling appointments. Better and easier than I thought. My feelings right now are bittersweet. I had to lose something to fix myself. I guess you could say it could have gotten worse if I didn’t go to counseling. I don’t think so, but always a possibility. I am doing this for me. I am focused on me.

I haven’t heard from Chrissy in over a week. I’m not mad one bit. Even when going over the what if’s in my head. I worry the most when I wonder, did she go back to her ex? Even when thinking about it, it makes me sad, but I don’t get mad. I have to believe in myself that I am better than him, which I am. I’ve had my share of mess up’s and asshole events, but my love for Chrissy wasn’t conditional. My biggest fear is losing her for good.

My apartment is in the same condition as when she left. All of our pictures are up still. Pictures of my family, of her family and us as a family. The one thing I don’t want to do is tell my daughter Caitlyn. Her and Chrissy got along so well. They were like best friends. Chrissy really showed interest in her unlike my prior girlfriends. She also planned one heck of a birthday party for her. When we would all go out and do things, Caitlyn would gravitate towards her. What makes me proud, Caitlyn treated Matthew like a little brother. How do I tell my 10 year old daughter that Chrissy and Matthew may not be in our lives ever again?

Chrissy also had such an accepting and caring family. Her mother is the first one I met. Probably one of the nicest and caring people I have met. I looked forward to many fun times with her. The fact is, it’s probably all but a wish at this point, it does not get me angry. Some may say that I’m only feeling this way and changing because I miss her. My response to you, I would only fail if it wasn’t true. I know who I am. So, basically…I’m Back!

I’m not the depressed, stressed and angry Brandon anymore. I am the guy Chrissy fell in love with! If she ever comes back, she will see. I’m not counting on it. I will still go to counseling just because it has helped tremendously. My life will move forward, with or without her. It would just be great if I could share my life with her again.