My Angel who looks over me. Part 1.

Back in 1993 I was a 13 year old. I was still living in Indiana where I was born and raised most of my childhood. I would say I was a good kid, and I followed the rules. Aside from not making it home before dark on a very rare occasion. I would get so caught up in playing basketball and football at the local park. It really is true about Hoosiers playing basketball all day.

I lived with my grandparents and knew I could get away with more. I didn’t really try though. I didn’t want to disappoint them.

I met a girl I went to school with. Her name was Mandy. She was my first girlfriend. My grandma knew her grandma as well. For reals, think super small town.

Well, we were sexually active at that young age. I’m not going to go into details on that. Out of respect for her and her family.

We did dumb things. By dumb, not necessarily dangerous or life threatening but stuff that would get us grounded. We would, well she would sneak out of her house at night and one of her friends or one of my real good friends would walk with her over to my grandparents house. She would lightly knock on my bedroom window. Opening that window was a bit loud, but it never woke anyone up. So I would open the window and she would crawl in. We would hang out and talk, and make out of course. It would get late, as if it wasn’t late enough, and she would leave.

One time, a few months later, when she had come over, we were sitting on my bed. My bed was right next to the window. I heard my grandma’s door open. So she jumped out the window and hid. My other friend, Paul, kind of leaned down to hide outside my window. It was still open. My grandma knocked on my door and opened it up. She asked why I was awake at 2am. She asked why my window was open as well. Before I could even answer she looked out the window and saw Paul leaning over, I believe she tapped him on the shoulder and told him to leave.

Busted….

The next morning, me and my grandma were talking about everything. I didn’t really get in trouble. She said don’t do it again. I asked her how she found out because she said she thought something was going on. She replied back “well I noticed all the flowers were looking nice around the house in the flowerbeds except the ones under your window kept getting stepped on.”

The effing flowers did me in!

She never noticed or even knew Mandy was coming over. At least not at this point.

A few more times she came over. One time her and a friend almost got caught after curfew by the police. Another time, with a different friend, they both got caught.

That prompted her dad to nail her window shut. After that, I’m not sure if she had snuck out again. We’re talking 23 years, many beers and drugs later. Give me a break, lol. We were together about a year at this point.

Then one morning, I woke up and walked into the kitchen. Sitting at the kitchen table with my grandparents were her dad and mom/stepmom. They had gotten ahold of her diary. You can probably imagine what was in it. Basically, we had been busted. Everything we had done, was no longer a secret.

That event prompted one of the biggest changes of my life. About two weeks later my dad came into town. I was supposed to be spending the weekend with him. He was a truck driver. However, it ended up being more than just a weekend. Unknown to everyone (including myself), but my mom and dad, I was actually going to be going to California to live with my parents. I didn’t know this until I noticed it was late on Sunday and we were nowhere near my hometown. My dad pulled over at a truck stop to use a payphone. Yes, a payphone. Remember those? He hopped back into his truck and told me that he was taking me to California…..

To be continued.

That Moment

That moment when you are torn. That moment when you thought the last one could have been the one. That moment when things get complicated. That moment when so many scenarios play out in your head. That moment when you get so confused. That moment you are reminded of how vulnerable you are. That moment when many people could get hurt. That moment when it could backfire. That moment when you don’t want them to hurt. That moment when everything stands still. That moment when all you want to know is the right decision. That moment when all you can think about us happiness.

That moment when everything stated above is going through your head at once. Decisions are a bitch. But they have to be made. Obviously we never know how things will play out 100% of the time. We don’t see the future. We can plan as much as we want. You can follow that plan.

I feel like we live in a world of negative what ifs. Why can’t we live in a world of positive what ifs? Instead of saying “What if it doesn’t work,” why cant people say “What if it does work,” instead?

In a relationship if you go with the negative what ifs, you will more than likely fail. I’m not saying throw reality out the window. But have faith that it will work. Go into everything with the right attitude. Your chance of success increases greatly. Take the chance, otherwise you will be kicking yourself and saying “What if I hadn’t have said no?” Take chances in life.

Live in that moment!

The Slow Pace

I was recently introduced to someone by a friend of a friend. And it probably couldn’t have come at a better time.

After the last fail, it made me wonder if I wanted to even put myself out there. Not that I was in love with last person. It was just the fact that I let go of being scared of being hurt. I let myself be vulnerable feelings-wise, to an extent

Being vulnerable stung a bit after she said she was done. It was on my mind for a few days. Do I really want to be vulnerable again. And the answer is yes. She didn’t break my heart. She just didn’t want me. She didn’t want a relationship.

I thought about it and it really is her loss. She won’t know what she lost. She may not even care. At least right now. Back to my point. I deserved better than what she was willing to give me. I deserved someone better. The way I look at it, I’m ready for something real. I’m ready for someone to take a piece of my heart. I’m wanting to be in someone’s heart as well. Have I found it in this new person? Too soon to tell. I have yet to take her out. Work has been busy, and I’m in the middle of a home show. But I’m being patient.

Next week is my birthday. I hit 36. She is 25. The age difference, it scares me a bit. It is only a number. I think once I meet her, I’ll be able to tell.

She has been through hell and back. But she isn’t afraid to put herself out there. She has an amazing voice and loves to sing. I’ve listened to her cover songs. We text a lot. I try my best to keep her mind off of what she is going through. But for her age, she is pretty strong. Next weekend I’m taking her to dinner. I’m really looking forward to it and she is as well.

The pace of this, is probably suited best for me and her. It’s slower than what I’m used to. I’m perfectly ok with that. The best thing so far is, she likes me, she is ready for a relationship and knows what she wants in someone. So far I fit the bill.

Nice and slow, it should work this time.

The List

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Remember way back when you were a little kid and couldn’t wait to open your gifts on Christmas? I’m sure some of us, even as adults have a hard time waiting. But remember how much you would beg your parents to open just one of your gifts. You wanted whatever was wrapped up so bad. Maybe because you took a peek and knew what you were getting or maybe you hoped whatever was on that list was there.

Well, that’s how I feel about someone right now. Her name is Becky. I’m in no way saying she is someone’s object by this comparison I’m making. But I know who she is. I know what she has to offer. I know what I want in a woman and she has it. She is that ultimate list for me, like everyone has when they are looking for a relationship with someone.

So what’s the deal? I can’t have her. At least not right now and who knows about the future. I’m going in hoping for the best. I can see something special with her. I don’t know what her feeling is about it, aside from right now she isn’t ready. But I do wonder if in the back of her mind if she thinks about a possible future with me.

One of the things that worries me is, what if she thinks it would end up being the same as her previous relationship. What if she is so used to seeing what she spent many years seeing, if all guys are like that. Is she more afraid of a relationship or is she truly not ready? Or both? There’s a saying that goes something like this, “if you spent so many years loving the wrong person, just imagine loving the right person.”

I know, with what she has been through, how she was treated, that I could be the right person. I’ve learned from mistakes in previous relationships. It took a few of them. And it helped me figure out what I want in a relationship. It taught me, that not every woman is the same. I can look to the future with her and see the positives. I can see why it would work. I can see why it would last forever. I want it to last forever, with her.

If she decides she doesn’t want t a relationship with me, it will crush me. But I’ve been crushed before and here I am. I guess I believe in myself and my abilities to show her how it would be different.

Maybe, just maybe after her plate isn’t as full as it is right now, she will see it.

My trust issues.

Yes I’ve been cheated on. Multiple times. It’s what has damaged me. It still puts doubts in my mind. It fucking haunts me that it could happen again. But, I try not to let it defeat me. I try to keep it from letting me attempt a relationship.

People say its not fair to judge someone based on what someone else did. I agree 100%. I don’t think it’s fair to do that.

People say you have to learn to trust again. I agree with that 100% as well.

However it’s not something everyone can do alone. I can compare it to many scenarios. I personally think for some people, you have to learn it first hand. You can also call it “someone having to prove it.”

But let’s put some scenarios out there.

1. Learn to ride a bike.
You physically have to hop on the bike and learn how to ride. There is no such thing as mentally learning how to ride a bike. But you have to be on a bike to learn to ride it. You are afraid the very first time you hop on it that you will fall down. And you will fall. But after a while you trust yourself and that bike that you won’t.

2. Sports
Let’s use a QB in football. When drafted out of college, no coach trusts that qb completely. A coach learns to trust after seeing the qb in action in practice and then during games as well. The coach will eventually trust that qb to make the right decisions. Again, you have to physically see it happen to trust.

3. The military/a job
Anyone in the military or job that is looking to be promoted to an authority or position that deals with money, you have to be trusted by your superior. They have to see you in action/doing on the job work.

4. An educational course.
Let’s use math as an example. You probably learned algebra in high school. But you go so long without using it, that you have to go back and take a course or crack a book. Maybe doing a couple of problems reminds you how to do it. So physically writing them out after you read how to do it is going to help you relearn. But you have to write out the problem to do it.

Those are just a few. I could go on and on but I won’t. To say that it’s any different than learning to trust again is bullshit. Regardless if you forgot how to trust, you forgot how to do algebra, you haven’t learned to ride a bike, or you haven’t gotten that promotion. You still have to physically do it/see it in person for those to happen.

The past has something to do with why you can’t trust. But the past has nothing to do with learning how to trust again.

In all of those scenarios above, it required something aside from yourself. It took a parent to get you on the bike. It took a coach to teach you the game. It took a supervisor to teach you. It took a book/teacher to teach you algebra.

So why is it frowned upon that you can’t go into a relationship broken and not trusting 100%? Hell, it doesn’t have to be a relationship. It can just be dating. Someone who asks for reassurance is saying in so many words, “I want to trust again. I just need a bit of your help.”

For me, that’s what I need. It’s just a small thing I ask. It doesn’t take much but a few words.

Yes, words and actions speak different. But hearing those words are a fantastic start. Those words don’t mean that cheating won’t happen. But it gives hope that not everyone will break that promise.

It’s just a little something that goes a long way.

Because one person has been cheated doesn’t mean that someone else who has been cheated will heal the same or trust the same. Especially when one of those people have been cheated on 3 times. You tend to be more damaged and trust is harder.

That’s all I really wanted to say.

What I wasn’t looking for, found me. I think.

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Not to delve into the type of lifestyle I was living, or thought about going back to, but recently I went back to a place that was for casual hook ups. I went back to that place because I didn’t think I was ready for anything serious as far as a relationship goes.

While back at that place, I did meet someone and have coffee with them.

Now, after all I’ve been through, I have learned to read people really well. I study them and actually listen and hear what they say. I look at who they are and their actions. Maybe me being a salesman has taught me a thing or two about reading people as well. Not to toot my own horn, but I’m damn good at it.

So when I met this person for coffee, I was surprised. Surprised at how she handled herself and her story. I felt a connection almost immediately. So that is when I decided to study her. Everything about her was great. She is like me in many ways. Unappreciated being the first and a few other things that I won’t mention out of respect for her.

I can see myself with this person for a very long time. She is not a replacement for those I’ve had in the past. And so far, she has fit the bill of everything I’m looking for.

However, she is not ready for a relationship. I hope that changes. I hope it changes when she is ready. The last thing I want to do is force someone or for them to feel like they have to. I don’t think she does, but you never know.

I’ve thought about if I’m ready or not. Considering what I was looking for to begin with. It’s a tough question to answer, but the answer is yes. Am I afraid of being hurt again? You bet your ass I am. Is it worth the shot? Well, I can’t live my whole life being afraid of getting hurt, so yes. Especially when I’m as confident in this person than I ever have been. I want her and no one else.

The Second Lena

Another one ends again. It never really started again, but it was as close it could be without being complete.

Let me explain. Chrissy was supposed to come back yet again and didn’t. I know, surprise huh? I had a gut feeling she wouldn’t. And that is due to all the other times she said she would but didn’t. There were lies and more lies the whole time.

Every time it would get close, she would slowly become more unavailable. I would notice it and speak my mind. She always turned it on me making herself seem like the victim. Always acting like because I spoke my mind about it, was the reason she was distancing herself.

She was supposed to be back before Thanksgiving, and apparently for her sister’s wedding. Saying she would come see me before the Thanksgiving. The Sunday before I called her and she said she was on her way and she would call me the next morning. I believed her and I shouldn’t have. Why? Because she she never called me the next morning. It took me call after call to get her to answer. She finally answered saying she was around family and couldn’t talk, but would call me in a bit. That call never happened. Again, this went on for a few days. Her saying she would call me back, telling me to call her back in 30 minutes and she would answer, and finally, she said she would come visit me at my work.

I asked her to prove she was with family by sending me a pic and not still in Oregon. She didn’t. She has never had a problem sending me a pic to reassure me. When she didn’t, I knew she wasn’t here. She even blocked my number from almost day 1 of supposedly being back so her family wouldn’t know I was calling, according to her. But it never became unblocked. She moved on or back to someone else.

She disappears when she lies. She doesn’t want to grow up and act like an adult and tell the truth. I asked her to just tell me the truth. I’d rather know the truth and it hurt than to just be sitting here waiting. So yes, I was lead on by her. Basically, she only wanted to be I my life when it was convenient for her. She said she loved me, but anyone reading this will agree when I say, you don’t treat people you love this way.

In the end, I was prepared while she was disappearing and lying. I’ve been with 2 different women since last Wednesday. It’s my healing process. However, I would love a relationship with either one. They want me for me, not just when its convenient for them. I’m confident I can have any woman I want. I waited for a year and a half for Chrissy to come back. It was a waste of time.

I’ve come to the realization that if she truly loved me, she would have come back. I should have listened to her family members when they warned me about her this second time. I didn’t want to, but I should have. They were right.

I really hate to say it, but Lena cheated on me twice. What Chrissy did was worse. Lena cheating, 2 wrongs. Chrissy lying more times than I can count on 5 hands, even worse. She is absolutely the worst person I know.

I could easily expose her to the rest of her family, but I’m not going to. That would make me just as bad as her. Some people are destined to lose all or most of their family and/or friends. She does that fine on her own. She doesn’t need my help.

The best thing, there will be a day where she will need me. And I won’t be there. Anytime she would call me crying, I would answer or call her right back because I cared and loved her. I’m ok with that. Like I said, I’m already moving on. The fact that I knew she was lying this whole time makes it easier. I only ever wanted her to tell me the truth. She couldn’t do that.

Karma will bite her in the ass someday. Maybe that will be the day she wakes up.

Tricked and Treated

Back once again to spill my feelings in here for everyone to read. Back to the subject of Chrissy. What seems like forever is looking more and more like its going to be forever and that it just won’t happen. You see, about 2-3 months ago she was “coming back.” And then every weekend after she was supposedly trying to come back. The truth is, it was all lies. She never tried. Not once. But she would completely ignore me the next 2 or 3 days. We went from talking every day of the week and then when the weekend came, she would disappear. And this happened for about 2 months in a row. It was always the excuse “I tried, but couldn’t go through with it.”

Well that’s fine but that doesn’t mean you completely ignore me for days at a time. You act like an adult, you put your big girl panties on and talk about it.

Even after we left the subject of her coming back on the back burner, she would still not answer my calls on Sunday. The excuses varied from “Matthew (her two year old) lost my phone” to “I was with family” and then “I was at the springs.” Every Sunday there has always been a reason. In my previous blogs, you know I’ve not been a saint either. But I have been upfront and honest. And that’s all I have ever asked of her.

I have asked her multiple times if she doesn’t want to be with me, to let me go. And if it was truly over, to let me know. I’ve never waited in my life for one person, except her. Every time it has been “That’s not it at all.” The response I’ve never said but always wanted to, “Then why do you do the things you do?”

What person ignores someone they supposedly “love.” I’m not talking for a couple hours, but days.

I guess you could say we were in a long distance relationship. She called me her boyfriend and I called her my girlfriend. Then I said we can’t be that. Not if she doesn’t want to be here.

She said she doesn’t like California and there is nothing here for her. I’ve offered to move to Portland just to be with her. And it’s something that has been planned for about 3 weeks roughly.

Certain people say she is just telling me what I want to hear and is afraid of me. Well, one would think if someone was really afraid of me they would block my number, change their number, etc. But I’m not saying that person isn’t right just yet.

At the end of this, all I can say is that I do love her. But if she doesn’t love me more than a friend, then its time to cut the cord. I waited because I love her. I changed for me, to better myself, to get her back. The only answer is that I’m just not good enough for her. Or she is a batshit, crazy, hoe.

Misdiagnosis… 1 and 1/2 years later.

From the start of this blog however many months ago, my story has had a constant word in it. That word is depression and whatever variations of the word itself. I was diagnosed with it and not given anymore meds than I was already on. I was on Effexor 75mg daily, with my emergency Klonopin. Both of those were prescribed to me for my anxiety and panic disorder. Since I was on the Effexor, the Dr felt I should just continue with it but she bumped it up to 150mg.

But let’s get on to the misdiagnosis, or partial diagnosis depending on how you look at it.

Its embarrassing for me to say because the illness makes me sound like I’m crazy or nuts(aren’t we all just a little bit crazy? 😁). Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD. Yes, it all lines up perfectly. And after comparing just flat out being depressed, to having BPD with depression, it’s clear which one it really is for me.

Depressed Mood in Borderline Disorder

In borderline disorder alone, depressed mood often occurs as follows:

-sad, depressed, and lonely feelings are frequently triggered by some life event and are often associated with strong feelings of emptiness, loneliness and fears of abandonment
-symptoms readily improve if the situation causing them improves
-sleep, appetite and energy disturbances (if present) are usually related to an identifiable life stress and stop when the stress is managed successfully
-acute suicidal thoughts and self-injurious behavior are usually the direct result of a personal problem (for example, an argument with a parent, boyfriend, spouse, or boss)

(Courtesy of http://www.bpddemystified.com)

There is a very high rate of comorbidity between borderline personality disorder (BPD) and depression; meaning many people who have BPD also experience problems with depressed mood. In fact, one study found that about 96% of patients with BPD met criteria for a mood disorder.

( http://bpd.about.com/od/relatedconditions/a/Bpd-And-Depression.htm )

So there you have it. You wouldn’t believe who opened my eyes to the misdiagnosis either. That’s a different story.

Almost a year later….

Well its almost been a year since Chrissy left me. Not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought about her. She is always on my mind. It definitely doesn’t help every morning when I check Facebook and the “On this day” part pops up. Everyday has something to do with her. I’ve never felt this way for so long after losing them. I can honestly say that I’m still in love with her, no matter how I try to make myself think otherwise.

Why her? Why am I still having feelings for her? Is it because I messed up this time? Or, is this me heart saying, this love was real.

There are many people who say there is that one person out there for us. Our soulmate. Does this mean she could be mine? Or have I fallen in love with someone so much more than I have with anyone else? Or was it even love with all the others? I guess you could say maybe I had lust and love mixed up.

With Chrissy, its different. I sit here, right now, with my heart still waiting for her. I’ve never wanted anyone back so much in my life. I’ve tried moving on to other women. But I just can’t. Everything about it feels wrong. Is there anything I can do? Do I continue to wait on my life for someone that may or may not come back? Or is it even an option considering its a year later? So many questions and not enough answers. After all, my heart only wants the answer to the question, is she going to come back to me?